Desideratum
by Sueric
Summary: Definition: something considered necessary or highly desirable; to long for what is absent, lost, to wish for; miss, find a lack of. A misunderstood wish. An ominous threat. The will to retain a fragile hope when the obstacle is time, itself.
1. Prologue: The Great Debate

**_Prologue_**

**_The Great Debate

* * *

_**

'_How the fuck did that happen?_' InuYasha fumed as he grudgingly watched out of the corner of his half-closed eye as Higurashi Kagome stomped across the meadow toward the lone structure in the field: the Bone Eater's Well. It was the link between his world of Sengoku Jidai---the Warring States Era---and her world, the place she called 'modern day Tokyo.' Virtually, the two places were the same. What separated them was that well . . . and roughly five hundred years.

He hadn't _meant_ to start the fight with her. He'd been secretly pleased when she had come looking for him. Standing at the base of the God Tree, she wandered around the thick trunk, running her fingers along the bark as she cocked her head to the side and stared up through the branches at him. He pretended not to notice her down there---she really hated when he did that---and started his mental count.

'_One . . . two . . . three _. . .' he thought, pausing a moment between each number.

He was just hitting the thirties when she sighed very loudly and stepped back from the tree trunk. "I'm going back now, InuYasha," she called up hesitantly, her voice clear and thin, carefully pleasant though he could sense the underlying turmoil. She was obviously expecting him to argue with her about her plans to return home.

"So go, already," he growled as he lifted his chin and closed his eyes, one foot tucked under him, the other dangling from the branch where he sat. "Just don't be gone forever. We got work to do, remember?"

He heard her sigh, knew that her shoulders had just drooped as he winced inwardly and stifled a sigh of his own. "I don't suppose you want to come with me?" she ventured in an even more pleasant tone.

"Keh!" he scoffed, lifting his chin another notch. "And why the hell would I do a fucking stupid thing like that?"

In his mind, he could see her expression twist into one of the disgusted affectations that he loved---yet another reason he goaded her temper as frequently as he did. "Because you _like_ to be around me," she stated tightly, her patience wearing thinner and thinner like a wire ready to snap.

"About as much as I like having fleas," he countered.

Kagome made a small growling sound. After a moment, she tried another tactic, her sweet tone back in place once more. "Do you want me to bring you anything? Ramen? Potato chips? Milk Bones?"

That earned her a long-suffering glance. "Keh. I'll pass," he grumbled haughtily, referring to the dog treats instead of the first two options.

"Suit yourself, then, grumpy . . . I'll just bring back pocky for Shippou and stuff for the others," she agreed lightly as she whipped around to leave.

"Ramen!" he hollered after her.

Kagome stopped and wandered back with a happy grin on her face. The grin took on a bit of a wicked edge, and she clasped her hands in front of her. "If you want ramen you have to come with me," she said.

InuYasha made a face as he snorted again. "Keh! I hate your time, wench," he reminded her. "It's too crowded, too smelly, too loud, too _everything_."

"It isn't that bad," she argued, her tone taking on the instant defensive undertones he knew well enough. "There are things to be said for progress, you know."

"Yeah," he agreed with yet another derisive snort, "it's stupid!"

"It's not stupid!" she shot back. "At least we have indoor plumbing!"

"Overrated."

"And electricity."

"Big deal."

"No running around, fighting youkai."

"Keh! Boring."

"_Ramen!_"

"_One_ good thing, wench! The rest of it can go straight to hell."

Kagome sighed again. "Fine, fine," she muttered. "At least boys are taught manners in my time."

"You mean like that one from your school? That ain't manners! That's just pathetic."

"Right," Kagome said mildly as she shrugged off her backpack and rummaged through it. "Admit it: you're just scared of being in my time because you don't understand it."

"_Scared?_ Like hell!" he snarled, quickly forgetting that he'd instigated this little discussion. "I ain't _scared_ of anything, Kagome!"

She dug a tiny white tube out of the bag and yanked the lid free with a small popping noise. He made a face at the vague yet still unnatural smell of the greasy-waxy gunk she liked to smear on her lips. She called it 'chap stick'. He called it revolting.

"That's disgusting, wench," he pointed out as his face contorted in absolute distain.

Kagome rolled her eyes. "You've got to be kidding," she remarked dryly. "You get youkai guts all over you just about every day, but I'm the one who's disgusting?"

"That ain't by choice," he argued.

She shook her head slowly before pinning InuYasha with a calculating stare. Breaking into a cunning grin, the miko blinked a few times as she stared up through the branches. "Why don't you come down here, InuYasha?" she coaxed in a tone that he really didn't trust at all.

"I think I'll stay up here, thanks," he grumbled sarcastically. "Anyway, I thought you said you had to go."

"I will," she agreed as she stuffed the tiny tube of nasty-wax back into her gargantuan backpack. "Are you sure you don't want to come with me? I'll only be gone a day or so . . . ."

"Go, already, will you? You're giving me a headache."

"I see," she shot back stiffly. "Maybe I'll stay a week or two . . . I do need to catch up on my classes, anyway."

InuYasha ears twitched. He knew she was deliberately goading him. He knew she expected him to yell and bluster and demand that she sure as hell better not think she was staying in her time that long. He knew that she wanted him to go with her with the ruse that he wanted to make sure she wasn't gone forever. Common sense told him not to take the bait. Common sense be damned. "The hell you will!" he bellowed. "Damn it, wench, if you make me come after you, I'll---"

Her laughter cut him off, filling the air like the sounds of tiny ringing bells. "You'll what, InuYasha? There isn't much you could do, if I don't come back right away. You're all bark and no bite, you know."

Face shifting into his signature pout, the hanyou snorted indelicately and shoved his arms together under the sleeves of his haori. "Keh! You'll see, Kagome. Just stay gone a day too long, and we'll see."

Kagome sighed. "My time isn't nearly as bad as you think," she told him. "You just won't give it a chance."

"Do you remember the last time you said something wasn't as bad as I thought?" he shot back.

"You're just never going to let go of that, are you?" she asked with a marked narrowing of the eyes.

"Keh. No."

"I told you I was sorry for that," she grumbled, knowing that he loved to bring up 'The Curry Incident' to prove his point. "I forgot."

InuYasha snorted. '_Forgot, huh? After the time her mother nearly torched my tongue, she forgot that I can't stand spices like that? Ri-i-ight_ . . . .'

"I stay here in your time more than I'm home, you know," she pointed out reasonably.

"That's because we had to find the shards of the Shikon no Tama---the Sacred Jewel? The one _you_ broke?"

Kagome glared up at him as her cheeks reddened at his blatant reminder. "I know I broke it, InuYasha. You don't really have to remind me."

"That's debatable," he growled.

"Fine," she retorted. "Give me one good reason you won't come with me."

"Got stuff to do."

"Like what?"

"Stuff."

"Uh huh."

"I don't know why I even bother," she fumed. "Stay here, then! I'll just go back to my time---alone---even though I have spent more time here in your era than you ever have in mine."

"That's because my time ain't stupid!"

"Neither is mine!" she argued.

"Is too."

"Is not."

"It is!"

"Is not!"

"You know I'm right."

"In your dreams."

"Seriously!"

"Keh!"

"You're just being stubborn."

"Ain't nothin' stubborn about it. You're just being stupid."

"Watch who you're calling 'stupid', dog-boy."

"Watch who you're calling 'boy', wench."

"All right fine, _baka_. That fits better, anyway."

"Bi---."

"Don't _even_ finish that, InuYasha . . ."

"---itch."

"Osuwari."

"Ungh!" InuYasha grunted as his body crashed through the branches of Goshinboku, dragged down by a flash of light that erupted from the kotodama rosary around his neck to slam into the earth at the young miko's feet.

Kagome planted her hands on her hips and shook her head slowly as she tapped the toe of her scuffed leather loafer while InuYasha peeled himself out of the slight indentation he'd created as he glowered at the girl's pretty face. "Why do you always have to pick fights with me?" she complained.

InuYasha snorted as he spat out some dried leaves and sat up. "Keh! Me? _You_ started it! _I_ didn't!"

"I did not!" she countered as she glared back at the half-human, half-dog-youkai as he shot to his feet and 'keh'ed' again for good measure. Kagome reached out to snag a leaf out of his hair. InuYasha bared his fangs at her. She narrowed her deep brown eyes in silent threat. "Did you just _snarl_ at me?" she asked quietly, disbelief brightening her eyes with a glint that he couldn't ignore.

InuYasha snorted. "Keh! So what if I did?" he demanded, mustering as much bravado as he could.

Kagome's eyebrows shot up as her eyes narrowed even more. The result was even more intimidating when coupled with the way her back suddenly straightened, the way her entire body stiffened as her miko's aura pulled in closer. "Good bye, InuYasha," she said as she spun around on her heel and started to stomp away.

InuYasha's ears flattened at her entirely too-pleasant tone that was completely at odds with her very apparent pique. He tried to ignore the desire to dart after her. As much as he hated to admit it---and never to the girl in question---he hated when Kagome was angry with him, especially when he actually had started the fight.

'_Keh! Who _cares_ if she goes back to her era?_' he fumed, trying not to wince as a sudden emptiness settled over him; the same emptiness that Kagome always left when she passed through the time slip. '_I don't need her, anyway, not really. She just gets in the way, and then I have to save her. Pathetic human_.'

Still, as hard as he tried to convince himself that he meant what he said, a part of him couldn't help but miss her, too, and the more he tried to ignore the sudden feeling of melancholy, the more acutely he felt the emptiness. Leaping back into the protective shelter of Goshinboku, the hanyou flopped back against the tree trunk as he jammed his arms together under the generous cover of his haori sleeves with a loud snort and a telling drooping of the ears.

'_See if I go after her! I won't, not this time! Not till she admits that her time ain't so great_ . . .'

* * *

:**_O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O_**:

* * *

'_InuYasha no baka_,' Kagome thought with a scowl as she fell through the gentle light and space of the time slip. '_I'm not going back till he comes to get me, and then _he_ can apologize for always putting down my era_.' 

Feet touching down on the solid ground as the darkness above closed in on her, she sighed. "Right, Kagome. He'll apologize about the time that pigs start flying. Irritating, stubborn dog-boy! Why does he _always_ have to argue with me? If I didn't know better, I'd swear he _likes_ it or something . . ."

Her voice echoed off the cold stone walls surrounding her, and Kagome wrinkled her nose. With a heavy sigh as she swung her backpack over her shoulder, she reached for the ladder and started the long climb out of the well.

She should be used to InuYasha's constant picking. She'd put up with it for nearly a year, since the day she first fell through the Bone Eater's Well on her fifteenth birthday. InuYasha tended to be brash and surly, disagreeable and grouchy, but he also had his moments. Kagome winced as she braced her hands on the ledge and hoisted herself out of the darkness.

'_Okay, he does have his moments. I just wish he'd choose to have them more often_.'

Running up the stairs and sliding open the well-house doors, Kagome squinted as she stepped outside into the bright sunshine. Everything looked exactly the same as it had two weeks ago---the last time she'd come home. Goshinboku swayed in the afternoon breeze. Kagome brushed off her bleak thoughts and pulled the doors closed before skipping down the steps and striding toward the shrine.

'_Pocky, of course, for Shippou . . . Sango didn't really ask for anything, but I know she loves the body wash. I'll get her another bottle of that. Miroku . . . I should get him some ointment. He's been slapped more often this week than he has in a long, long time_.'

"_Because he's a fucking pervert_," InuYasha's assessment echoed in her head.

Kagome frowned. '_No, there's more to it than that . . . something's bothering Miroku. He hasn't been this bad since Sango joined the group_ . . .'

_Just last night, she'd seen the monk staring at the horizon with such a pensive, foreboding expression. She asked him if something was wrong, and for once, Miroku hadn't tried to hide his obvious concern. "It's getting worse," he admitted quietly, violet eyes scanning the horizon as he refused to meet Kagome's gaze_.

_She didn't ask him what he was talking about. She didn't have to. The way he clutched his right hand---the soft click of the prayer beads that sealed the kazaana closed . . . There was nothing Kagome could do. Grasping his shoulder just to let him know he really wasn't alone felt like such an empty gesture. "We'll get Naraku. We'll find him_."

"_Of course we will," he agreed, an edge to his voice, as though he didn't really believe her; as though he were simply humoring her_.

Suddenly it all made sense. Miroku's behavior wasn't some resurgence of lechery. Maybe . . .

'_Maybe he knows . . . If the kazaana is spreading, then_ . . .'

Deliberately cutting off her train of thought, Kagome quickened her step as she neared the back doors of the shrine house. '_I can't stay. Miroku . . . He might not have that long_ . . .'

* * *

**_A/N_**:

_**de·sid·er·a·tum**: Something considered necessary or highly desirable_ …

_From desidero –are: to long for what is absent or lost , to wish for; to miss, find a lack of_.

_**Osuwari:** Sit command for dogs. (I never use the words, "Sit, boy." Kagome doesn't say that to subjugate InuYasha. She literally uses a dog command. Call it a bad translation._)

_**Shikon no Tama**: Sacred Jewel of Four Souls_.

_**Goshinboku**: The God Tree_.

_**Hanyou**: half-magical creature (youkai); half-human_.

_**Haori**: InuYasha's fire rat shirt_.

_For those of you who have complained the first time I uploaded this, please note: don't read it. If you are sick of the Yasha/Kagome pairing? I beg you NOT to read. Don't bitch at me about who I choose to write about. Get a grip. Since **I'm** writing this, I don't really think anyone has the right to say who I should or shouldn't write about. If this sounds crappy to you, then just think about how shitty it seems to me, to read this ration of crap via reviews. To be blunt, I don't really care what anyone else wants. I write stories that interest me to tell. If you want to read something else, feel free but don't bother leaving a review if all you can say is that you're sick of a pairing, and 'gee, I hope you don't take this wrong' because quite frankly, there IS no other way to take it. That isn't constructive criticism. That's a RANT. If you don't like the pairing, then please, do me a favor and don't read it_.

_I'm not sure when I'll update this one, or if I'll update this one. I've been asked to upload it again, and I will. Please note: if I pull it again, it will not be posted anywhere again_.

* * *

**_Final Thought from Kagome_**:

_Why does InuYasha have to be so infuriating_?

* * *

_Blanket disclaimer for this fanfic (will apply to this and all other chapters in **Desideratum**): I do not claim any rights to InuYasha or the characters associated with the anime/manga. Those rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi, et al. I do offer my thanks to her for creating such vivid characters for me to terrorize._

_Sue_


	2. Ch 1: Debacle

**_Chapter 1_**

**_Debacle

* * *

_**

_Three years later_.

* * *

Kagome stared at the brilliant, shimmering orb in the wan light of the merrily dancing flames. Pink and white undulated inside the confines of the Shikon no Tama. It cost so much in terms of lives lost. It was impossible to look at the jewel and feel anything but utter sadness. Some of them had lost more than others, but everyone had lost something. 

Shippou had lost his father because of the Shikon no Kakera. His father had died because of the one shard he possessed. Slain by the Thunder Brothers, Shippou was left an orphan, and his quest to avenge his father had led him to InuYasha and Kagome. The kitsune had seen too much, had lived through more than he should have had to, and because of that, he seemed so much older than his eleven years.

Sango, the youkai exterminator, had lost her entire village and her family, and in the end, she'd lost Kohaku, too. Her brother had chosen his path. Feeling the weight of guilt over the slaying of the other exterminators, the young boy had died protecting Sango from one of Naraku's tentacles---one that Sango hadn't seen coming as she fought back a wave of youkai. He'd thrown himself in the way. He'd taken the hit meant for his sister, and somehow, before he died, she'd seen in his eyes, the peace that had eluded him for far too long.

Miroku hadn't lost as much because of the Sacred Jewel as he had in a family feud with Naraku. His grandfather had been cursed with the kazaana---the wind tunnel---and it had been passed down to Miroku's father, and at last, to him. In those last days before they found and defeated Naraku, the kazaana had expanded. Kagome had feared that they would lose Miroku before they tracked Naraku down. He had been very, very lucky.

InuYasha had lost fifty years. Pinned to Goshinboku by Kikyou's sacred arrow, he hadn't been alive, but he hadn't really been dead either. He hadn't aged at all, and there would have been no telling how long he would have remained there if Kagome hadn't fallen through the well. Then to find that he'd lost Kikyou, all because of Naraku's deception . . . and then to lose her a second time . . . Kagome had seen that kiss, and it had hurt . . . under the stars, he'd sat holding her . . . but she had managed to save Kouga, and . . . well . . . how could she fault InuYasha for doing whatever he could do to make peace with the first woman he'd ever loved? Kikyou had chosen to die instead of living with the pain of InuYasha's perceived betrayal the first time, and the second? The second death . . . it was the one she was supposed to have had . . . Kagome winced. InuYasha had lost so much, too.

Kagome's brow furrowed as she stared at the jewel. She hadn't lost anything, not really. Unlike the others, she'd gained more than she ever had to lose. Sure, she'd struggled to keep up in school since she spent so much time here helping her friends recover the jewel shards, but she had finished school a couple of months ago, in March. Maybe she'd had to learn how to rough it, to make due in a permanent camp-out, but she'd gained another family---dysfunctional, perhaps, but family just the same.

Glancing over at InuYasha, Kagome bit her bottom lip and waited for his signal. He stared at her for a long, solemn moment before nodding once. "Okay," she murmured, squeezing the jewel tight before dropping it into Shippou's hands.

The young kitsune who had grown so much since the fateful day he'd come across InuYasha and Kagome had flourished in the love he was given, the love of friends who were more like family. '_Shippou understands what life is all about_,' Kagome mused as a gentle smile touched her lips. Drawing a deep breath, the kitsune passed the jewel to Sango.

The exterminator stared at the jewel in her hand, wiped a tear from her cheek as she stared at the swirling mist in the orb. She had found wisdom through her losses. '_Sango knows what it means to lose . . . and she knows how to pick up the pieces and go on_.' Sango used that wisdom to guide her, and as she gazed at the Shikon no Tama, her sad little smile broke Kagome's heart. Sango closed her hand around the jewel then handed it to Miroku.

Balancing the jewel in the hand that used to house the kazaana, Miroku caught Kagome's gaze and nodded. '_Miroku's remembering that night_,' she thought absently. '_The night he told me that the kazaana was spreading_.' How he'd managed to find the courage to face every day and to do so with a smile and his gentle grace still amazed Kagome. He dropped the jewel into InuYasha's hand with a knowing nod and a reverent bow.

InuYasha didn't hold the jewel long, simply passing it back to Kagome. '_He trusts me to do this_,' she realized as a warm glow wrapped around her. '_He's learned to trust us all_.' InuYasha had found something that had eluded him for far too long. He had friends now, people who depended on him, friends to protect.

'_The Four Souls aren't really one person_,' Kagome mused. '_Sango and Miroku, Shippou and InuYasha . . . They are the four souls, and their perfect balance with each other . . . that's what we needed to purify the Shikon no Tama. They are my sakimitama, kushimitama, aramitama, and nigimitama . . . they are my love, wisdom, courage, and . . . my friendship_.'

As soon as the words entered her mind, the jewel rose in front of her, suspended in the air. No real wish came to her, nothing meaningful or profound. The Shikon no Tama slowly brightened, the tinge of pink dissipating. A low hum emanated from the jewel, growing louder and louder like thunder rolling across the land. The jewel shattered in a burst of light and sound. Wind erupted around them but didn't touch the fire. Kagome lifted her hands to shield her face moments before InuYasha's arms wrapped around her, protecting her from flying debris. As quickly as the wind had come, it diminished, and Sango's gasp echoed in the quiet meadow.

InuYasha let his arms drop though he didn't let go of Kagome. Opening her eyes, Kagome breathed sharply as she stared at the shimmering vision, the beautiful warrior-miko of legend, Midoriko. Kirara mewled softly, recognizing her former mistress. Midoriko smiled at the double-tailed fire cat-youkai and nodded her thanks. "Well done, Kirara. I missed you. Tell me, what is it you wish?"

Kirara mewled again, rubbing against the apparition or entity---Kagome wasn't sure what Midoriko really was. Midoriko laughed softly as Kirara leapt into her arms. "Yes, of course . . . you simply wish to remain with Sango."

* * *

:**_O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O_**:

* * *

Upon hearing her name, Sango lifted her chin, steadily met Midoriko's calm gaze. The warrior-miko's voice came to her in a whisper. Her lips didn't move, but her smile was radiant and somehow sad. Midoriko nodded slowly, seeing past words and into Sango's heart. '_You're the last of your people---the protectors of the Shikon no Tama . . . Your kin died protecting my sanctuary, destroying the youkai who would threaten these lands. I cannot give you back what you have lost, and in truth, I think you've found a new place to belong. You wish to be with the houshi. You wish to be his wife. With a union between the two of you, you can restore what you have lost. Do you understand, Sango? It won't be easy. Then again, some of the things you've found comfort in are not the things that are easily obtained_.' 

'_I understand, Midoriko_.' Casting a glance at Miroku, the youkai exterminator smiled. '_I understand_.'

* * *

:**_O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O_**:

* * *

Midoriko nodded and caressed Sango's cheek, her fingers lingering before she let her hand drop and turned to face Miroku. '_Houshi-sama . . . that is what she calls you, isn't it? Your heart is conflicted, isn't it? You know what you want, and you fear that you cannot have it_.' 

Miroku couldn't look at the miko. She could see into his heart. She could see the conflict that divided his soul. Painful, bitter . . . Everything he'd ever wanted was right there, so close, and yet . . . Miroku didn't dare look at Sango. '_I . . . yes_.'

A shadow of sadness washed over Midoriko's feature before a compassionate smile replaced the emotion. '_I cannot change things for you. I cannot lessen your fears nor can I dispel your doubts. I can tell you that the things you seek are not impossible. The path is troublesome, but you, Miroku . . . you must be certain that it is what you truly want_.'

He swallowed hard, nodded once. '_I understand, Midoriko. You are wise_.'

* * *

:**_O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O_**:

* * *

'_Young kitsune---Shippou. Your wish is the easiest of them all._' 

Shippou blinked as he stared up at Midoriko's shimmering visage. '_It is?_'

'_Of course. You want what you already have, don't you? A family, though perhaps not in the traditional sense?_'

'_I don't understand_,' Shippou thought as he slowly shook his head. '_I don't have a family_ . . .'

'_Don't you, Shippou? Are you so certain?_'

'_My friends, you mean? Are they my family?_'

Midoriko's smile was radiant, shining. '_There are two kinds of family, you see. There are those who choose to have you, and there are those you choose to have_.'

Shippou slowly shifted his gaze around the campfire, staring at his friends---his family---and he realized that Midoriko was right. '_Thank you_,' he told her with a bashful grin. '_I chose them a long time ago, didn't I?_'

'_You did, Shippou. In the coming years, you'll grow and mature. Always remember the things that they have taught you, even if they are no longer with you. If you hold them dear---if you hold them in your heart---they will always be there to lend you strength and comfort, and they will always hold you the same way_.'

'_I understand, Midoriko_,' Shippou assured her. '_I'll do my best_.'

* * *

:**_O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O_**:

* * *

InuYasha regarded the ageless miko with a curious gaze. Arms tucked around Tetsusaiga with Kagome by his side, the hanyou waited almost patiently for Midoriko to speak. 

'_I know what is in your heart, InuYasha. I know what it is you want. Haven't you found that already? The acceptance of others? The warmth of true friendship?_'

InuYasha wrinkled his nose and snorted. '_Keh! That don't matter. I never wanted nothing, anyway_.'

Midoriko laughed, and InuYasha blushed as he ducked his chin and folded his arms together under the sleeves of his haori. '_You don't have to tell me what you want, InuYasha. You fought to protect the Shikon no Tama, and you fought to protect Kagome. You fought for your friends, and you fought for yourself. All you have to do is think about what it is that matters most to you; what it is you really want_.'

'_Whatever_.'

'_Mark my words, InuYasha: there may come a day when you must shed your tough exterior and let someone see into your heart. Do not be foolish enough to miss your chance_.'

He started to scoff at the miko's words. Something in her eyes stopped him. A sense of quiet foreboding, a single look that quelled the sarcasm, the brusqueness that he used to hide his feelings from everyone---from himself . . .

He stared at her for a long moment before he finally nodded, one terse jerk of his head. '_I understand, Midoriko, but . . . it don't make sense._'

* * *

:**_O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O_**:

* * *

Kagome waited patiently as Midoriko leaned down, listened as InuYasha whispered something to her that Kagome didn't hear. Intercepting Shippou's joyful smile, she couldn't help but smile back, and that smile lingered on her lips as she noticed the peaceful expression on Sango's face. Whatever Midoriko had said to her friend had helped to alleviate the hint of sadness that seemed to follow Sango everywhere. 

Kagome's smile faltered as she glanced at Miroku. The monk was flexing his hand, frowning thoughtfully as he touched his glove that used to cover the kazaana. Fingering the prayer beads that he wore out of habit rather than necessity, he was pensive, quiet. She wished she knew why.

InuYasha scooted a little closer to her, and Kagome shot him a quick smile. He didn't return the sentiment, but he did look content. Kagome didn't have time to analyze it. Midoriko reached down, held out her hand. "Come with me, Kagome. You and I should talk."

Kagome took the miko's hand without question, brushing off her skirt as she rose to her feet. She could sense InuYasha's reluctance to let her wander off. She gave him a reassuring smile before following Midoriko away from the campfire.

"Tell me what I can do for you, Kagome. Tell me how I should repay someone who possesses a pure enough heart to set me free."

Kagome licked her lips nervously, feeling her palms break into a sweat. She hadn't been sure this morning when she'd left the shrine five hundred years in the future. She'd hoped that it wouldn't come to this. "The well's closed, isn't it?"

Her question was more of a statement than anything. She didn't need to have anything affirmed to know. She'd felt the shift in the ground beneath her, and she'd known; of course she'd known.

"Yes, it is."

Kagome swallowed the lump that rose in her throat. "I see."

"You knew, didn't you? You said goodbye to your mother and your brother and to your grandfather, as well. You wrote letters for your friends in hopes that they would never read them, and you kept this from InuYasha."

She shrugged as she tried not to think about the things Midoriko had mentioned. It hurt enough at the time. It had hurt worse than anything she'd ever had to do before.

"_I don't see what the big deal is," InuYasha grouched as he waited for Kagome to climb out of the well. Tapping his foot as he wrinkled his nose, he snorted loudly as she tossed her backpack over the ledge and pulled herself up. "Keh! Your time stinks, wench_."

_Kagome rolled her eyes. "I know. It's called 'pollution', dog boy; now give me a hand, will you?_"

_He shook his head but caught her hands, easily dragging her over the side of the well before setting her back on her feet. Letting go of her as soon as she was on solid ground, he snorted again, pausing long enough to grab her backpack, before stomping up the stairs that led out of the well-house. Kagome sighed._ 'He's as nervous as I am . . . He's afraid that the jewel won't purify . . . or maybe he's afraid that it will . . .'

_It was a plan that they'd been thinking about for awhile. Kaede, the old village miko, had suggested that Kagome and the others try to purify the jewel as one, just as they had defeated Naraku years before. They'd had the jewel all this time because they hadn't wanted to jeopardize tainting the Shikon no Tama in making a wish because, as Miroku had pointed out, wasn't the root of all wishes really a selfish thing? "Even the most seemingly selfless wish is based in some bit of selfishness._"

"_What the fuck does that mean?" InuYasha snarled from where he lounged casually in Kaede's hut. "There ain't nothing selfish about it, Miroku_."

_Miroku shook his head and held up his hand perpendicular to his face. "Purifying the jewel, in and of itself, would alleviate the base need to protect it. That is a selfish desire. Without the jewel, the youkai would stop coming, and we---Kagome especially---would be out of danger_."

'InuYasha didn't want to admit that Miroku might have been right, but he had stopped demanding that we try to purify it, didn't he?'

_Kagome followed InuYasha into the hazy light of the setting sun and shook her head. He hadn't wanted to let her go home, either. He'd started to throw one of his fits about it; about her running home to her time whenever the going got tough, but it wasn't like that this time. It wasn't like that, at all. Finally telling him that she was going whether he liked it or not, InuYasha had finally given in, albeit with all the ill grace he could muster. Kagome had been surprised when InuYasha had called out to her, stomping after her as she had swung her legs over the ledge of the well. He hadn't said a word to her when he reached her, but he had given her the 'Pathetic Human' look and had snatched her off the side of the well before hopping into the darkness_.

_She'd eaten dinner with her family. She'd shared in their happy banter, and she'd laughed with them. Careful not to think about the things that she knew could happen later, she concentrated instead on making sure that she memorized everything about them: Mama's gentle smile, the unruly tendencies of Souta's hair despite his efforts to keep it neat, Grandpa's never-ending stories_ . . .

"_We're going to try to purify the jewel tomorrow," Kagome had said as she washed the dishes after supper. Wincing as she felt her mother's pause as she cleared things off the table, Kagome had known that Mama understood what she had been trying to say_.

"_I see. It's been a long time in coming, hasn't it?_"

"_I suppose. We have to do it. It needs to be done. The jewel's hurt too many people. It can't go on like that_."

_Mrs. Higurashi leaned against the table and folded her arms together over her chest. "And what will happen when you do this?_"

_Kagome shook her head, shrugged in what she hoped was a careless manner. "We don't know for sure . . . The well . . . it'll probably close_."

_Mrs. Higurashi sighed. "I understand." Wandering around the kitchen as she tried to find the words to say, Mrs. Higurashi sighed again, stopping by the framed pictures that lined the walls. All the years of her life were there, displayed for anyone who cared to look. Kagome blinked quickly as the prick of tears stung her eyes, realizing just how abrupt it was. "Kagome . . . That's why you're here, isn't it? You . . . You might not come back_."

"_Mama_ . . ."

_Mrs. Higurashi laughed, waving her hand as she hurried over to hug her daughter. "You know, Kagome, I've never expected you to do anything less than what your heart tells you, and no matter what you choose, I'll never be more proud of you than I am right now_."

_Kagome nodded, brushing a single tear off her cheek as she managed a thin, watery smile. "I love you, Mama_."

_Mrs. Higurashi smiled as she reached out and stroked Kagome's hair. "I love you, too, Kagome_."

_The letters she'd written were hidden away. She wrote them in the middle of the night as InuYasha dozed under the window. Arms wrapped around Tetsusaiga, chin tucked against his chest, she'd seen him sleep like that too often to count, and as she watched him, she knew she didn't really have a choice, and maybe she never really had. InuYasha needed her as much as she needed him, and whether or not he admitted as much, she knew it in her heart. They were meant to be together_.

_She'd given Mama the letters intended for Souta and Grandpa, and for her friends. She hadn't mentioned to Yuka, Eri, or Ayumi, just why she had gone away. She figured it would be ambiguous at best. Some things should be left unsaid_.

_Kagome hadn't slept at all that night. Lying awake in the room that was so familiar to her, she held the jewel in her hands and tried not to be sad for whatever might be. She was the one who woke InuYasha in the morning, and she was the first one done eating as InuYasha watched Mrs. Higurashi stuff as much ramen and pocky into Kagome's oversized bag as she could. Kagome forced a hug on her nearly teenage brother, Souta had grumbled and complained as he tried to push her away. She'd hugged Grandpa next, and he seemed oddly quiet as he hugged her back. Mrs. Higurashi had been the last. InuYasha rolled his eyes as Kagome had hugged her mother for a few extra seconds. When they stepped out of the shrine in the bright morning sunshine, he snorted and shrugged and told her to hurry_.

"_You're so mean," she complained as she hurried to catch up with the hanyou. "Why do you have to be such a baka?_"

_InuYasha shoved open the doors and ran down the stairs to the well. "I'd rather be a baka with you _not_ crying than not be a baka with you blubbering like a girl_."

_Kagome paused as she pulled the doors closed. "I am a girl," she pointed out, though her tone had lost most of her irritation._ 'He doesn't like it when I'm sad, does he? He . . . he just doesn't handle it well.'

"_And it's stupid, anyway," InuYasha went on as he picked Kagome up and hopped into the well. "Ain't no use crying over it. Whatever happens, happens, right?_"

_Kagome sighed and nodded, fingering the stiff envelopes in her pocket. She'd also written letters to Sango and Miroku, to Shippou . . . and to InuYasha. If things didn't work the way they'd planned, if she was separated from them forever . . . Kagome had given those letters to Kaede, who would give them to the intended recipient if things went awry. "You're right," she agreed, unable to keep the sadness out of her voice. "Whatever happens, happens_ . . ."

"You know that you must choose. You know that you were never meant to be able to transcend time," Midoriko broke in. "It is time, Kagome. You have family and friends in your time . . . but you have the same here, too."

Kagome nodded, lifting her gaze to the star-filled sky. She could have been searching for answers or looking for another choice. In the end, she knew what she wanted, and she knew what her heart had already chosen.

"_Keh! I hate your time, wench! It's too crowded, too smelly, too loud, too_ everything."

How many times had she heard the same thing from him? Ever since the beginning, he'd never hidden his distain for her era, and considering his need to be outside, she couldn't really blame him, either.

"_Keh! Your time stinks, wench_."

Yes, to an inu-hanyou, it probably did. Her time was too congested, too crowded, too overwhelming for his senses, and too . . .

'_Would he even want to choose my time? Of course not . . . He'd stay here, and I'd be . . . without him_ . . .'

Kagome shook her head. Was there ever really a choice at all? As much as she loved her mother and her brother, her grandfather and her friends, maybe she loved InuYasha just a little bit more.

"I . . . I want to stay here," she murmured. "I _need_ to stay here."

Midoriko frowned, tilting her head to the side as she regarded Kagome calmly. "And you're sure? That is what you truly desire?"

Kagome swallowed hard, blinked back tears that threatened. "Yes, I'm sure."

Staring at her for several moments, Midoriko finally nodded. "So be it."

"InuYasha!"

Kagome's head snapped toward the sound of Sango's exclamation, and she gasped. Spinning around as she ran, she skidded to a stop before the hanyou. His body was fading away, and as he caught sight of Kagome, his eyes flared wide. "Oi, wench! What the fuck did you do?"

Kagome reached for him but her hands slipped through him. "InuYasha! _No!_"

"_Kagome!_" he yelled, wildly trying to grab her. Barely more than a vague outline in the darkness, InuYasha's voice lingered in the air, an echo that whispered in her mind.

"What . . .? _Why?_" she demanded as she stared in shock at the place where InuYasha had stood.

"Where did he go?" Shippou asked quietly, his voice a tiny squeak. "Kagome?"

"Midoriko!" Kagome shrieked as she whipped around to look for the miko. '_There's been a mistake . . . there had to be . . . InuYasha _. . .' she thought as she stumbled back the way she'd come, her eyes filling with furious tears as she tried to convince herself that it wasn't really true. "_Midoriko!_"

"Kagome, no!" Miroku commanded as he grabbed Kagome by the shoulders to keep her from running away into the night.

"Where is he, Miroku?" she whispered, desperation creeping into her tone. "_Where is he?_"

Miroku shook his head and hugged Kagome tighter as Kagome sank to her knees. "I . . . I don't know."

"He can't have just disappeared! He can't have just . . . he _can't!_" Kagome railed.

Another set of arms wrapped around both her and Miroku as Sango rested her cheek on Kagome's shoulder. "Maybe he's not really gone," Sango rasped out, her voice deep and stunted, and Kagome knew that the youkai exterminator was crying.

"InuYasha! _InuYasha!_" Kagome screamed, wincing at the lonely sound of her voice rising above the trees only to echo back to her as she struggled against her friends' grip. "_InuYasha!_"

Shippou threw himself onto Kagome's lap. "Where'd he go, Kagome? Why would he leave us? Where'd he go?"

'_Midoriko_,' Kagome thought suddenly. She knew what happened, didn't she? "Midoriko!"

"She's not here, Kagome," Miroku told her, his tone overly reasonable and so very, very sad. "She's gone, too."

"No! She can't be gone! She has to tell me where InuYasha is! She . . . _Midoriko!_" she shrieked, tugging against the arms that held her back. She screamed until her throat was raw. Over and over, she called out, hoping that the miko would answer as Sango's tears ran down Kagome's arm, as Shippou's tears dampened the front of her blouse, as Miroku squeezed her tighter and tighter.

Kagome's eyes were strained and burning from her futile attempts to see even the vaguest hint of movement in the night, she slumped weakly against Miroku, her mind numbing to the truth that she didn't want to believe. Never in her life had Kagome ever felt quite so empty, quite so alone. It made no sense, and as weariness stole over her, Kagome willed herself to cry. She felt the tingle of tears prickling her nose, felt her throat thicken as she blinked rapidly. The tears wouldn't come.

It was no use. It didn't matter. Midoriko was gone, and InuYasha . . .

InuYasha was gone, too.

* * *

**_A/N_**:

_**Sakimitama**: Love_.

_**Kushimitama**: Wisdom_.

_**Aramitama**: Courage_.

_**Nigimitama**: Friendship_.

_**Shikon no Kakera**: Shards of the Sacred Jewel of Four Souls_.

_**Shikon no Tama**: Sacred Jewel of Four Souls_.

_**Baka**: Fool/Idiot_.

* * *

**_Final Thought from Kagome_**:

_Where did he go_?

* * *

_Blanket disclaimer for this fanfic (will apply to this and all other chapters in **Desideratum**): I do not claim any rights to InuYasha or the characters associated with the anime/manga. Those rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi, et al. I do offer my thanks to her for creating such vivid characters for me to terrorize._

_Sue_


	3. Ch 2: Changes

**_Chapter 2_**

**_Changes

* * *

_**

"I see."

InuYasha jammed his arms up the sleeves of his haori as he tried to keep his ears from flattening against his head while sitting on the kitchen floor next to the doorway with his knees up to his chest and his hands on the floor between his feet.

Mrs. Higurashi's face was pale and drawn, ashen, and InuYasha winced as he noticed the trembling in her hands as she brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes. "So you don't think she can get back through."

Swallowing hard to force down the thickening in his throat, InuYasha jerked his head once in answer. "The well's closed. I checked it."

She sighed, licking her lips before pressing them together in a thin line. "I don't understand," she began in a quiet monotone, "I don't see how this could have happened."

'_Because_,' he thought as he scowled at the floor. '_I was careless . . . I thought . . . and she . . . Damn that Kagome . . . always doing stupid shit, and now_ . . .'

Mrs. Higurashi pushed herself to her feet and hurried over to the cupboard, rummaging around until she located a big Styrofoam cup of instant ramen. It didn't take long for her to open the container and dump in the boiling water. Her actions reminded InuYasha of her daughter, of how Kagome would do things simply to keep herself from having to think about things that troubled her.

"You must be hungry, right? We already ate, but . . . You're probably starving."

InuYasha ducked his head at the smooth tone, the calmness that she used to hide her emotions. '_What the fuck is wrong with her? I just told her Kagome ain't coming back, and . . . and she's making me ramen? What the hell is she doing?_'

"Do you have a place to stay, InuYasha? You can stay here, if you wish. Souta and Grandpa . . . and I . . . we'd really like for you to stay."

"Thank you," he grumbled, ears flattening for a moment before he willed them to pop up again.

Mrs. Higurashi sighed again, her gaze rising to stare out the window at the darkness . . . at Goshinboku's leaves swaying in the summer night. "You can stay in K-Kagome's room," she said at last, her voice faltering when she tried to say her daughter's name. "Yes, she'd want you to."

'_Stay in her room?_'

Could he do that? To be surrounded by Kagome's things . . . to be so near the objects that were hers and yet to know in his heart that she couldn't get to him? InuYasha shook his head. "I'll sleep in Goshinboku," he mumbled.

"Of course," Mrs. Higurashi agreed, forcing a smile that was paper-thin.

"InuYasha! You're here! Where's Kagome?" Souta asked as he ran into the kitchen with his best friend on his heels. Hitomi skidded to a stop and bowed to Mrs. Higurashi before cocking her head to the side and staring at InuYasha---or more precisely, at his ears. He'd seen the girl a few times. He'd even spoken to her once, but he'd been wearing a kerchief to hide his ears, at Kagome's insistence, of course.

Souta used to have a crush on her---that was what Kagome called it. She said it was puppy love, and while InuYasha had taken offense to that reference, he sort of understood what it meant. Souta and Hitomi hadn't been boyfriend and girlfriend long, but they had become friends, and that sort of friendship was hard to find. InuYasha knew that, first hand.

"You have . . . dog ears!" Hitomi blurted, cheeks turning bright red about the moment the words left her mouth as she slapped her hands over her lips, eyes widening in shock at her slip. "I'm sorry!"

Souta laughed. "Sure he does! He's hanyou---inu-hanyou!"

"I didn't know that, baka!" Hitomi growled as she rounded on Souta. The boy backed up, fingers splayed as he waved his hands to protest his innocence.

"It's fine! Calm down! InuYasha doesn't mind, do you?"

InuYasha took the ramen from Mrs. Higurashi and shot Souta a cursory glance. He didn't feel like eating, but for some reason, he thought that Mrs. Higurashi would be upset if he didn't. "Keh."

"See?" Souta sputtered as he backed away from Hitomi's wrath.

"But I didn't know it, and . . ." Hitomi gasped. "Souta! You said you tell me everything! You're a liar!"

"I didn't lie! I just didn't tell you! InuYasha!"

"You're on your own, runt," InuYasha grunted between bites of ramen.

"Where's Kagome? She can explain this better than I can," Souta insisted.

InuYasha choked on the ramen that he'd been eating. Mrs. Higurashi uttered a tiny sound that reminded him of Kirara's soft mewling when the youkai was in her normal form. The stubborn desire to eat the ramen dissipated, and InuYasha set the bowl on the floor with a hefty thump, sending a wave of broth over the edge of the Styrofoam as his chopsticks hit the floor with an obscenely loud clatter.

"What'd I say?" Souta asked, staring from InuYasha to his mother and back again.

Mrs. Higurashi cleared her throat as she glanced over Souta's head. Grandpa Higurashi shuffled into the kitchen. While he seemed surprised to see InuYasha crouching on the floor, he didn't remark on it, and InuYasha had to wonder if the old man knew something. "She's gone, isn't she?" he asked without preamble, his voice a dry whisper as he gripped Mrs. Higurashi's shoulder.

"Who's gone?" Souta asked, the first real hint of panic seeping into his tone.

Mrs. Higurashi shot InuYasha an indiscernible glance and slowly nodded. "I think so."

Grandpa's hand dropped away, and he turned, stumbling back out of the kitchen without another word and still without even glancing at the hanyou.

InuYasha winced, hearing the old man's muffled sobs mingled with the creak of the stairs. The others probably didn't hear it, and that was what he wanted. InuYasha wished that he hadn't heard it, either.

"Kagome's gone?" Souta demanded, shaking his head as he scowled at his mother. "How? How could she be . . . But InuYasha's here . . ."

InuYasha shot to his feet and stomped out of the house, through the back door, not pausing till he reached the base of Goshinboku. Leaping into the uppermost branches of the gnarled old tree, he hid himself among the leaves, smacked his head back against the trunk as he balled his hands into fists, biting his lip until he tasted blood.

_After he spoke to Midoriko---after he told her what it was he wanted---he'd appeared in the bottom of the dry well. His senses had told him immediately that he was in Kagome's era, in Kagome's time. He knew it, and yet he couldn't accept it. Jumping out of the well only to leap back in again, he'd tried to ignore the voice in his mind, the one that told him that he wasn't going to get back through. He'd made his choice, but what he didn't understand was how it had gone so wrong_.

'I want to be in Kagome's world. That's what I . . . I want . . .'

_Midoriko had smiled at him, and he had thought, for that brief moment, that maybe dreams did come true. When he'd started to disappear, when he'd realized that Kagome wasn't coming with him_ . . .

His stomach twisted itself in knots. Surrounded by a world that didn't make sense to him, lost in a place where he didn't really belong, any more than he belonged in the world five hundred years ago, InuYasha closed his eyes and moaned softly. The only place he'd ever belonged was beside Kagome. The only times he'd ever felt completely accepted was when Kagome smiled at him. To be here or there or anywhere without her . . .

'_Stupid Kagome . . . This is her fault! She was supposed to want to be with me! She . . . she wasn't supposed to leave me alone_ . . .'

"_Can I stay with you, InuYasha?_"

"_It's all right, you know . . . I'm with you by choice_ . . ."

And all the tears she'd cried for him . . . after all the times he'd let her down, all the times he'd failed her . . .

All those moments when she hadn't said a word because she didn't need to . . .

Something inside him was breaking, shattering. The terror that choked him as he thought of never seeing Kagome's face again was so much worse than the wounds he'd received while he sought to protect her.

She was his reason for living, wasn't she?

She was his entire world, and now . . .

Now she was gone . . .

* * *

:**_O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O_**:

* * *

". . . Won't eat . . ." 

". . . Hasn't slept . . ."

". . . How long . . .?"

". . . Will she . . .?"

". . . Because _he's_ . . ."

"Poor Kagome . . ."

Kagome stared into the blackness of the gaping hole and blinked slowly. If she stopped to consider what she was doing, she would have realized that there was no way that it would happen. The well wasn't going to suddenly open, and InuYasha . . .

Her eyelids burned, her throat ached, and she wished she could cry. Sure, she'd come close to crying more than once. She'd teetered on the brink---nose burning, eyes prickling, lip trembling. It was her last hope; a desperate hope. She sat here on the edge of the Bone Eater's Well every day for the last three days since the night InuYasha had disappeared. She hadn't been able to muster the courage to drop into it yet. In her heart she knew the well was closed. In her mind, she knew that there really wasn't a way to bridge the five hundred year separation, but she couldn't help hoping, wishing, wondering . . . If she wanted it bad enough, couldn't a wish come true? If she promised enough of herself, would it count for anything?

Hitching her backpack over her shoulder again, Kagome braced herself on the edge of the well. '_It has to let me through, right? It . . . it has to_ . . .'

"Kagome . . ."

She didn't turn at the sound of Sango's soft voice. Gripping the wall until her fingertips turned white, Kagome braced her feet against the wood, ready to push off and drop.

"Kagome, please . . ."

"I've got to try," Kagome whispered, unable to look her friend in the eye, unable to deal with the pity in her expression that Kagome knew she would see.

"Do you think it'll work? Do you really?"

"It _has_ to work."

"But what if it doesn't? What if . . . It's a long drop."

"And if you were me? If Miroku was InuYasha instead? You'd try, Sango; I know you would."

Sango didn't deny it. She sighed and touched Kagome's arm. No one had tried to touch Kagome since that night. Whether they were afraid of her miko power or if they just didn't know what to say, not one of her friends had tried to say anything. She heard them whispering, knew of their concerns. Some things were more important; things like InuYasha and the things they hadn't gotten a chance to say . . .

"I have to try," she stated again. "I have to."

"If you do, and it doesn't work---"

Kagome shook her head. "If I do and it doesn't work, then at least I'll have tried."

"Kagome, wait!" Miroku called, the hoops on the Shakuju jingling as he hurried forward. "Listen, please. If you jump in there, and you don't go through, you're going to hurt yourself."

She didn't know how to explain it to them. She didn't know how to make them listen. Part of her was already broken. Part of her felt like it was dying.

A low rumble split the afternoon. A tell-tale rustling in the trees drew their attention. The bag slipped off Kagome's shoulder as she flipped her legs back around to the solid side of the well. Miroku spared the women a glance before he stepped forward, waving for them to stay behind. "It's a youkai," Sango murmured, holding onto Kagome's arm as the miko retrieved her bow and arrows.

The lynx youkai ran out of the forest, spotting the group and running straight toward them. He was young---not much older than Shippou, and by the time he skidded to a stop before them, he was panting for breath, his ears drooping in exhaustion as he tried to speak and draw air at the same time. "Looking . . . for . . . Inu . . . Yasha . . ." he gasped. "Hi, Kirara!"

The fire cat youkai mewled and rubbed against the lynx youkai's leg.

"He looks shifty," Shippou remarked, tugging on Kagome's sock. "I wouldn't trust him . . ."

"It's okay, Shippou," Kagome assured him. "I think he's fine."

"Yeah, but he knows InuYasha. That can't be good."

"Hush, Shippou," Sango hissed, waving her hand at the kitsune to silence him.

"InuYasha? Who are you, and what business do you have with him?"

"Name's Bunza," he replied. "My tribe is being attacked. InuYasha said that if we needed him . . ."

"Attacked by what?" Sango asked.

Bunza shrugged and made a face. "There's an ogre that came down from the mountain. He says that my father woke him, and he's demanding retribution. My father could take care of it, no problem, but . . . but he's been sick lately . . ."

Kagome sighed. InuYasha could have easily helped Bunza, she was sure, and even if he grumbled about it, he'd have done it. How many people did InuYasha leave behind? How many people need his protection, his help? '_Oh, InuYasha . . . I wish you were here_ . . .'

The monk frowned, glancing over his shoulder at Kagome.

"How do you know InuYasha?" she asked, kneeling down before the young youkai.

Bunza stared at her curiously, head tilted to the side as his eyes narrowed. "We trained together with Master Totosai. We wanted to learn to break barriers. InuYasha helped me save my father. He's my junior brother."

"Junior brother?" Miroku echoed.

"Yeah, because I was there first, so I was the senior brother. InuYasha was pretty tough, but he was still only my junior."

"Did he thump you for saying that?" Shippou asked, peeking out from behind Sango's legs.

"No, he was kind to me," Bunza replied. "He gave me his fish and stuff."

Shippou hopped down and ran over to Bunza. The two youkai children were practically nose to nose, staring at each other like they were sizing up the competition. "You're just a lynx. You're not very tough," Shippou remarked.

"Yeah? You're just a kitsune. Kitsunes just use tricks and toys," Bunza shot back.

"Kitsunes are masters of deception," Shippou replied hotly.

"And lynxes are faster that stupid kitsunes, so we don't need stupid deception!"

"InuYasha's not here," Kagome said, struggling to keep her voice steady as she pulled Shippou back before the two started fighting for real. Shippou tried to pull himself free but settled for sticking his tongue out at Bunza. Bunza retaliated in kind as Kagome sighed and shook her head. "Maybe we can help you."

"Kagome . . . are you sure?" Sango questioned as Kagome stood up.

Kagome nodded, retrieving her bag, a determination stealing into her gaze; a determination that had been missing of late. "InuYasha would do it," she stated. "I can do it, too."

* * *

**_A/N_**:

_**Shakuju**: Miroku's staff_.

* * *

**_Final Thought from InuYasha_**:

_Kagome_ …

* * *

_Blanket disclaimer for this fanfic (will apply to this and all other chapters in **Desideratum**): I do not claim any rights to InuYasha or the characters associated with the anime/manga. Those rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi, et al. I do offer my thanks to her for creating such vivid characters for me to terrorize._

_Sue_


	4. Ch 3: Filling the Void

**_Chapter 3_**

**_Filling the Void

* * *

_**

InuYasha wrinkled his nose and glared at the clothes lying on Kagome's bed. Standing in the doorway of the entirely too-familiar room, he could feel the emptiness in the air and stifled a sigh. Mrs. Higurashi had bought him clothes to help him 'fit in', and he knew she was trying to be helpful but it didn't alleviate the bitter stab of resentment that surged in him.

'_Kagome . . . didn't care that I didn't 'fit in_'.

Out of sight, out of mind, or however that saying went . . . The only thing that Kagome seemed to mind was that other people would see his dog ears, and since the initial reaction to those in the modern age was for people to want to touch them, he didn't mind wearing the baseball cap. She never asked him to dress differently. She never really asked for much.

'_Ain't nothing wrong with my fire rat clothes_,' he grumped as he turned away from the room and stomped toward the stairs. '_I ain't wearing those. No one can make me! Keh!_'

Souta was lying on his stomach in the living room, playing one of his 'video games' with Hitomi. There had been a few times before, when the boy would try to get InuYasha to play, too.

"InuYasha, you can play the winner," Souta offered without looking at the hanyou.

"That'll be me," Hitomi assured him.

Souta scowled at the girl and rolled his eyes. "Fat chance! You stink at this game!"

"Oh, really? Then who beat whom the other day at the arcade? That's right; it _was_ Hitomi-chan, wasn't it?"

"Because I let you!"

"You did not!"

InuYasha's decisive snort went unheeded by the arguing youngsters as he tried not to remember the same sort of petty arguments that normally ended with an irritated miko yelling the word that InuYasha both despised and somehow craved. "_Osuwari!_"

'_Keh! I don't miss that, damn it! Why the fuck would I miss _that,_ of all things?_'

Still the emptiness surged inside him as the ache of missing her grew more intense, uglier.

"You're such a pain, Hitomi!"

"And you're such a baka, Souta!"

'_Playing's for pups_,' he thought sourly, ignoring the words that struck a little too close to home. '_I ain't got time to play_.'

He didn't, not really. Spending all his waking moments trying to concoct a way to reopen the Bone Eater's Well, to find a way back to the past---to Kagome . . . Those thoughts were the one things that kept him moving, kept him thinking, drove him like the threat of Naraku never had. To think that there really wasn't any way to get back to her would be akin to giving up, and, well, InuYasha had never been very good at that, either.

Grandpa Higurashi shuffled through the back door, eyes shifting around the living room as though he were looking for something in particular. His gaze lit on InuYasha and stuck. The hanyou's ears twitched as the man drew near, as he reached into his shirt and pulled out an ofuda.

InuYasha glared menacingly at the old man. He didn't trust the strange look in Grandpa's eyes, and when the old man raised the paper charm to slap on InuYasha, he drew his lips back in a fierce growl meant to ward off the action. Grandpa ignored the obvious warning, slapping the paper on InuYasha's head. InuYasha pulled it off and crumpled it in his fist. "I told you, old man, your stupid little pieces of paper don't work on me!"

Grandpa grumbled something under his breath that sounded suspiciously close to, "Next time it will," before shuffling off toward the kitchen.

'_We'll see about that_,' InuYasha thought with a decisive snort. '_Yeah, it ain't happening . . . the only one who could purify or seal me is Kagome, and she ain't_---' His ears drooped as he cut himself off. Glancing around quickly to ascertain that no one else had noticed his momentary lapse, he made a face. '_She ain't here. Stupid Kagome_ . . .'

It confused him a little. Since finding out that Kagome hadn't made it back after purifying the Shikon no Tama, her grandfather had been almost hostile toward him. InuYasha didn't care---at least, that's what he told himself. He only wished he knew why. It was almost as if the old man blamed him for Kagome staying in the past, and in a way, it was true. InuYasha strode toward the doors, figuring that Goshinboku was the safest place to be, at the moment. At least he would be safe from little brothers and irritated grandfathers. Then he could think in peace.

Leaping into the highest branches to hide in the safety of the God Tree, InuYasha settled back with a dejected snort, thrust his arms into the sleeves of the haori. He figured he had a good hour or two before Mrs. Higurashi came looking for him. She had an annoying habit of doing that at odd moments during the day. She always stared at him with a slight frown, as if she thought he was going to sprout another four heads and start breathing fire.

He knew that the Shikon no Tama had been the reason the well had been allowing the time travel in the first place. He could understand that, he supposed. It hadn't surprised him when the well had closed. He'd expected it. He just hadn't expected Kagome to wish to stay in his time. Why should she? Sure, Sango, Miroku, and Shippou were there, but her family was here. Her _friends_ were here. All her modern conveniences and those things she couldn't seem to live without were here.

The truth of it was that as much as InuYasha liked to think that Kagome needed his protection, she didn't, not really. He'd started suspecting early on that she chose to let him protect her, and maybe she understood that somewhere deep down, someplace hidden in the confines of his psyche, maybe he _needed_ to protect her. She was smart, she was strong . . . and maybe InuYasha was the one who really needed Kagome far more than Kagome had ever needed him.

* * *

:**_O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O_**:

* * *

"Did not." 

"Did, too."

"Did not."

"Did, too."

"I did not, you liar!"

"You did, too, you baka!"

"I don't think it matters, which one of you emptied the last water bottle," Sango interrupted. "We'll refill them as soon as we stop for the night. It isn't a problem."

Kagome rolled her eyes as she hitched her bow over her shoulder and spared a glance behind her at the fighting youkai children. Bunza sat on Sango's lap, sticking his tongue out at the kitsune, while Shippou crouched on Miroku's shoulder, glowering back at the lynx-youkai. They really couldn't seem to stand one another, and Kagome wasn't entirely sure why it would be so. As though they were vying for some sort of rank in the social hierarchy of the group, Shippou and Bunza were wearing her already thin nerves. She wished they would just stop.

"That's enough, you two," Miroku said, heaving an audible sigh as he slowly shook his head. "This looks like as good a place as any to make camp."

Kagome dropped her backpack and rummaged around for the water bottles. "I don't like him, Kagome," Shippou said as he scampered over to her side. "He's shifty . . . How do we know InuYasha really helped him before? We don't, do we? We can't trust just anyone, right?"

"Shippou," Kagome began in a warning tone. "He's just a little boy like you. I'm sure you'll be friends once you get to know him."

Shippou wrinkled his nose, crossing his arms over his chest and reminding Kagome of InuYasha during one of his stubborn moments. "Here," she said, digging a packet of pocky out of one of the last boxes in her backpack. "Why don't you try to make peace with Bunza? I'm sure he'd like pocky as much as you do."

The kitsune looked appalled at the suggestion that he share his precious snack with the lynx. Kagome stood up with the water bottles, ruffled Shippou's russet hair as she shot him an encouraging smile before heading off to find the stream.

The late afternoon sunshine reflected off the rippling water as a sultry heat brought an instant sheen of sweat to Kagome's brow. Wishing that she'd taken the time to change into a cooler blouse, she couldn't help wondering how warm it was back home; couldn't help wondering how InuYasha was adjusting to life on the other side of the Bone Eater's Well. Hunkering down beside the water's edge, Kagome rinsed the water bottles before she began to fill them.

"Those two get along as well as InuYasha and Kouga on their best day," Sango remarked as she stepped out of the trees to kneel beside Kagome next to the stream. Taking up an empty bottle, the youkai exterminator wiped her brow and blew out a breath of air that sent her bangs flying up off her forehead. "You've been quiet," she remarked, trying for a casual tone of voice.

Kagome tried to smile but it looked more like a grimace. Sango tilted her head in a compassionate sort of way, and the gesture only served to make Kagome feel that much worse. "Sorry, Sango . . . I guess I've just not been in the most talkative of moods lately."

"It's okay. We all understand. We miss him, too . . . even Kirara."

"I feel so stupid," Kagome admitted, gazing at the water, at the silvery glints of sunlight that reminded her of InuYasha's hair, of the way it blew behind him, rippling in the breeze as he ran through the forest. "I'll bet he blames me for being there. _I_ blame myself for his being there . . ."

"That's not true. How were you to know that he'd want to go to your time?"

Kagome smiled sadly, digging a rumpled kerchief out of her pocket and dipping it into the tepid water. "That's just it, you know? He always complained about my time. Too noisy, too smelly . . . too crowded . . . I never thought he'd _choose_ it. I never thought . . ." She shrugged and squeezed the excess moisture out of the kerchief before wiping her face. "What do you think he's doing right now? Do you think . . . do you think he misses us, just a little?"

"Kagome, of course he does! He chose your time because of you. He must have believed you'd choose it, too. Then you'd have been together."

Sango was right, and Kagome knew it. Still it offered little in the way of consolation when there was no way to fix the wishes gone wrong. In the two days since they'd left the village to help Bunza's clan, Kagome had started to come to grips with the idea that InuYasha might not be able to come back at all. She didn't want to believe it. She also couldn't think of a single way to change it. The well was closed. Midoriko had said as much, and while InuYasha might have lived through the five hundred years separating them, Kagome wouldn't be able to do that.

"It's so stupid," Kagome mumbled with a shake of her head. "Just . . . stupid, you know?"

Sango sighed and shook her head. Kagome could see it in her friend's gaze. Sango felt helpless, as though nothing she could say or do would really make a difference, at all. Maybe it wouldn't, but it did help to know that she was surrounded by people who loved her. Sango, Miroku, and Shippou . . . they were as close as family.

'_InuYasha . . . will you find that, too?_'

Thinking about that brought the memory of her mother's face to mind. Sharp and poignant, Kagome couldn't quite grasp the idea that she really wouldn't see her mother again. '_Mama will help you, InuYasha . . . She'll do it because that's what Mama does. I don't think she'll be able to help herself, but maybe you'll help her, too . . . Maybe you'll help her so she doesn't miss me _. . .'

Kagome shifted her gaze toward the hazy blue sky. '_Such a perfect evening_,' she thought with a stifled sigh as she drew her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her knees. How often had InuYasha and she sat on evenings such as these, content to stare off into the distance from the highest boughs of Goshinboku? No words had ever been spoken. They hadn't really needed them back then. It was enough to sit beside him, to accept the quiet comfort of his presence.

She felt like a child all over again. She felt the same uncertainty and fear she knew on that first day of school long ago. Staring at the strange faces of the other children in her class, she'd wanted her mother to take her back to the safety and security of the shrine. In the end she'd been fine, of course. Kagome had never forgotten that feeling of dread---the same one she felt again years later after she'd fallen through the Bone Eater's Well in the time before she had met InuYasha . . .

The same sky felt emptier now. The world seemed darker and somehow sadder. Still she knew that with every second that passed, every minute that slipped away, the memories she held so dear---so vivid in her mind---would fade with time until all that was left was the thin wisp of a hazy vision, and the cherished memory of sensations that might make her stop and think and wonder. She would remember his name. She would remember that she loved him. Would he remember her? '_Such a sense of serenity . . . but I can't find any real comfort in it, at all_ . . .'

The fluffy clouds resembled the shape of a surly hanyou, and the smell on the wings of the subtle breeze smelled like him; like InuYasha.

* * *

:**_O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O_**:

* * *

"She's not doing as well as she wants us to believe," Sango said softly, staring across the dancing flames of the campfire at the sleeping miko. 

Miroku stifled a sigh and rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Of course she isn't. She misses him, as we all do. They've always shared a special bond. It stands to reason she misses him more."

"A special bond?" Sango echoed as Kirara curled up on her lap. "She loves him. She's loved him forever."

"Small comfort that he proved what we all suspected," Miroku agreed. "His actions proved it, didn't they? He chose to be with Kagome, but he never thought . . ." He trailed off and shook his head, sighed as he turned his head to stare at Bunza, who was curled up on a blanket nearby.

She fell quiet for a moment, her gaze careful, direct as she slowly stroked the fire-cat's fur. "What'll become of her, without InuYasha? She chose to stay here because of him, but . . . But he's not here, and I don't think . . . He can't come back, can he?"

"I don't think so," Miroku agreed. "I don't know of anyone who could reopen a time slip."

"I just wish there was something we could do."

"I know what you mean. I feel that way, too. There isn't really anything we _can_ do for Kagome, aside from being her friends. She's strong. She'll be fine."

"I know. It makes me angry," Sango said suddenly, vehemence thinning her voice to a hiss as her eyes sparked dangerously. Miroku winced inwardly. He'd seen that look one time too many. Her fire, her passion, the same fierce determination . . . He adored that about her. He adored everything about her . . . "Why would Midoriko do such a thing? She had to have known, didn't she?"

"I don't know, Sango. We can't ask her. She had to have had her reasons."

"Houshi-sama . . ."

He could feel her troubled gaze but didn't dare to look at her.

"What did Midoriko say to you?"

'_I cannot change things for you. I cannot lessen your fears nor can I dispel your doubts. I can tell you that the things you seek are not impossible. The path is troublesome, but you, Miroku . . . you must be certain that it is what you truly want_.'

Shaking off the sadness inspired by Midoriko's words, Miroku forced a half-smile as he tossed another log onto the fire. "It's not important, Sango. Don't worry about it."

She looked like she wasn't sure what to believe. His words were confident enough, but he knew that she could see right through his attempt to evade her question. He didn't doubt for a second that she was buying his feeble attempts to placate her.

"It's hard to believe that the Shikon no Tama is gone, isn't it?" she finally asked. "It seems strange. I want to be happy, but . . ." Her words died away as her gaze returned to Kagome's sleeping form again. Sango sighed and shook her head. "Maybe it was true. Maybe what we did to purify it . . . maybe it was our faults."

"I don't think so," Miroku replied. "It's all right to be happy. You lost your village and your family because of Naraku's evil wish to possess the jewel. You've earned the right to be happy."

"And you?"

Miroku smiled as Sango's gaze rose to meet his. Reluctant, unsure, her body seemed to whisper things that his mind tried desperately to ignore. It was the closest they'd been since the night they had gathered to purify the jewel. Too worried about Kagome to concentrate on anything else, Miroku and Sango's moments had been few and far between since the mishap. There were still too many things that Miroku wasn't sure he could ask of her, too many sacrifices that she would have to make. She would choose to make them, wouldn't she? She'd smile and say it was her choice, after all.

Miroku shifted his gaze away, unable to voice his concerns. If there were no answers for InuYasha and Kagome, what were the odds that there would be any for the likes of him? "Me? That's simple," he said, his tone deliberately teasing her. "I have earned the right to sleep. Between Shippou and Bunza, it's been a really, really long day, don't you think?"

Sango was caught off-guard by his flip answer. For a moment, he thought she was going to call him on the intentional sidestepping of her question. In the end, she stretched out on her blanket. Kirara curled up in a ball of fur beside her.

Miroku stared at the fire for a long time. When he glanced over at Sango, she was asleep.

* * *

:**_O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O_**:

* * *

InuYasha kicked a rock as he wandered through the familiar forest, trying to ignore the strange sense of emptiness that surrounded him. Located behind the shrine, he'd sought refuge here after Mrs. Higurashi's well-meaning but unwelcome attempts to cajole him into trying on the clothes she's purchased for him. All of the animals that used to roam the same forest were gone, chased away by too many humans, but the smelly air of the hulking buildings that loomed over the top of the trees: the city of Tokyo. It used to be his forest. It used to be filled with birds and animals, and even the trees were silent now, relegated to the role of little more than nuisances that hindered the further development of the vast city. 

He'd never understand this time, and without Kagome, he didn't really want to.

The feeling of utter helplessness was something that nearly killed him. Used to being able to fight through whatever opposition came his way, the foreign sense that the situation was entirely beyond his control was enough to put him on edge. For the first time in his life, the antagonist was something he couldn't touch or see or smell. He couldn't track it, he couldn't hunt it, he couldn't confront it. '_How the hell am I supposed to defeat it?_' It wasn't as simple as a youkai, standing between Kagome and him. No amount of hollering or fighting was going to change this. Digging in the well until his fingers bled under his claws didn't work, either. He'd tried everything he could think of. He'd run out of ideas.

_Kagome_.

What was she doing now? Did she miss him? Did she worry about him? Was she trying to figure out a way to get to her time?

Mrs. Higurashi had mentioned that she was checking into finding a tutor for InuYasha. He hadn't really understood what that meant, but as she kept talking, he had gotten the distinct feeling that whatever she meant by it couldn't possibly be good. She said that since they didn't really know how long InuYasha would be staying with them, that it was safest to assume that he'd be there indefinitely, and if that were the case, then he'd need to have an education.

He did understand what education meant. It meant the same to him that it had to Kagome: tests and exams and stupid books. '_Keh! Over my dead body,_' he grumbled, stomping a little faster as he flicked his ears and glowered at the sparse grass on the forest floor. He hated when Kagome ignored him in favor of studying. There was no way in hell he was going to do the same thing . . .

But the main reason he didn't want to cooperate was the irrational notion that in doing so, he would be accepting his fate, and if he accepted that, then it meant that he never really was meant to be with Kagome, didn't it? It meant that he would have to give up hope.

'_Stupid Kagome . . . what was she thinking? She knew I'd choose to be here with her. She had to have known. Why does she always have to be so difficult? I swear she did this on purpose. Some sort of stupid trick of hers, ain't it? She's always trying to push me . . . I'll bet she did this just to piss me off! Well, I'll show her! I . . . I don't _care!_ Why should I care when she didn't? If she did, she'd be here, too, wouldn't she? If she cared . . . Wench_ . . .'

He sighed, scowl dissipating as InuYasha's ears flattened against his head. It was easier to be angry with her than it was to let himself feel anything else. It was easier to be angry. It was simpler to tell himself that she didn't care, that she'd done all this on purpose. Irritation and rage were things he knew. Those emotions had always worked to cover the truth of his feelings. Kagome had peeled away those layers, had uncovered a vulnerability that InuYasha truly despised. In the time they'd spent together, he'd allowed Kagome to see more of his heart, more of his emotions than he'd ever showed a single soul.

He needed a good fight. Unused to living in a time and place where youkai were either unseen or had ceased to exist, InuYasha's outlet for his pent-up frustration had been taken away. At least if he were still in the past, he'd only have to go so far as to search out his bastard of a half-brother. Always willing to oblige him in a decent fight, InuYasha figured that was Sesshoumaru's single saving grace. Then, too, he could have looked for Kouga . . .

At the thought of the wolf-youkai tribe's leader, InuYasha stopped and uttered a low growl. '_Damn that Kouga . . . he'd better stay the hell away from Kagome_ _. . . Knowing that coward, he'll be sniffing around her just as soon as he figures out I'm not there _. . .'

Wincing as the memory of Kouga, holding Kagome in his arms after the mangy wolf kidnapped her so long ago, InuYasha's growl escalated as he cracked his knuckles. Kagome didn't like Kouga---at least, not that way---but that hadn't ever stopped Kouga from trying, and InuYasha didn't even try to delude himself into thinking that the wolf-youkai wouldn't try it again, especially when he found out that InuYasha was gone.

'_Yeah, that ain't happening_,' InuYasha snarled. '_I'll kill Kouga if he tries anything . . . see if I don't!_'

A streak of movement off to the right caught his attention, and he turned his head. '_Who the hell is that, and what the fuck is he doing in my forest?_' InuYasha thought with a scowl as he cracked his knuckles and darted toward the blurry figure running through the trees. '_Youkai? No . . . hanyou _. . .'

InuYasha sneezed and lifted his sleeve to cover his face as he chased after the hanyou. He stank---really stank----smelled like a mix of scents, and not one of the scents seemed natural. It was almost as though he were hiding his true scent, but the odor of the fumes emanating from the strange hanyou that InuYasha couldn't even begin to discern a thing. Silvery hair and hanyou dog ears, and when the hanyou looked back over his shoulder, InuYasha narrowed his gaze. Golden eyes, a knowing grin . . . There was a familiarity about the hanyou that InuYasha couldn't place. '_Who the hell is that?_' he asked himself again as he increased his speed, as he sprinted after the stranger.

Cresting a low rise that dropped sharply to create a small gully, InuYasha skidded to a halt as the hanyou he'd been chasing stopped beside the one being InuYasha hadn't bargained on ever having to see again.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

Amber eyes lit with unabashed amusement flicked coolly over InuYasha and dismissed him just as quickly as InuYasha fought down the fierce growl that welled in his throat.

"It's been a long time---worthless half-breed."

* * *

**_A/N_**:

_**Ofuda**: paper charm_.

* * *

**_Final Thought from InuYasha_**:

_Who the hell **is** that_?

* * *

_Blanket disclaimer for this fanfic (will apply to this and all other chapters in **Desideratum**): I do not claim any rights to InuYasha or the characters associated with the anime/manga. Those rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi, et al. I do offer my thanks to her for creating such vivid characters for me to terrorize._

_Sue_


	5. Ch 4: Ashes to Ashes

**_Chapter 4_**

**_Ashes to Ashes

* * *

_**

Sango scowled as she stared at Miroku's back. Striding along, using his shakuju as a walking staff, the monk stared straight ahead, seemingly oblivious to the youkai exterminator's ardent attention.

"Earth to Sango . . . are you okay?"

Sango blinked and forced her gaze away from the monk, eyes shifting to meet Kagome's worried gaze. "I'm sorry," she replied. "You were saying?"

Kagome frowned, eyes clouding with concern, and she wrinkled her nose as she adjusted the straps of her backpack and scowled thoughtfully. "You've been like this all day," Kagome remarked. "Is something wrong?"

She shot Kagome an apologetic glance and shrugged, hitching Hiraikotsu more securely over her shoulder as she hastened her step and lifted her chin. "Of course not, Kagome. I was just thinking, I suppose."

"You're sure?" she asked, her voice tinged with a suspicious lilt.

Sango forced a bright smile. "We should be reaching Bunza's village soon enough."

Kagome sighed. "I've been a horrible friend lately, haven't I?"

Caught off guard by Kagome's softly uttered question, Sango stopped and turned to stare at her. "Why would you say that?"

Giving a slight shrug, Kagome kept her gaze trained on the path beneath their feet. "I just mean that I've been so caught up feeling sorry for myself that I haven't really been listening, have I?"

Sango clucked her tongue and quickly shook her head. "That's not true, and you've had every reason to be upset."

Kagome winced. "Maybe, but that still isn't an excuse . . . I'm sorry, Sango."

"Don't be. You've always been there for me. It's your turn to let us support you for once."

Forcing a wan smile, the miko shrugged and adjusted the strap of her backpack. "So tell me . . . what's bothering you?"

Sango tamped down the furious blush that threatened to stain her skin. "Nothing," she replied hurriedly. "Nothing at all . . ."

"Is something wrong with you and Miroku?"

Sango missed a step and hoped that Kagome didn't notice. "Nothing, really," she insisted when one of Kagome's eyebrows shot up in silent question. "I'm sure I'm just imagining things."

"Things? What sort of things?" Kagome pressed gently.

Sango sighed. "He's been a little distracted lately . . . nothing important, I'm sure."

Kagome digested that in silence, frowning as she stared at the monk's back. Shippou was perched atop his shoulder while Bunza strode ahead of them, chin lifted proudly, leading the way along the path toward his village.

"I hope that we're not too late," Sango mused, following the direction of Kagome's stare. "I wish Inu—"

Kagome winced as Sango cut herself off. Lowering her eyes as she scowled at the dirt path, Sango's cheeks blossomed with color that she couldn't suppress. She hadn't meant to say that . . . stealing a glance at Kagome, she bit her bottom lip. She wasn't crying, but her eyes were suddenly awash with tears that she stubbornly held back, making Sango feel even lower than she already did for the careless slip of the tongue.

"Kagome, I'm sorry."

Kagome shook her head and blinked furiously, a slight quivering of her lips belying the calm in her tone. "Don't be." Her voice lowered almost to a whisper, and she dashed the back of her hand over her eyes. "I miss him, too."

Sango started to tell her that she was sure that InuYasha was fine, wherever he was. Bunza's yell interrupted her. Turning to follow the direction of the lynx-youkai's outstretched finger, Sango gasped when she saw it: the thick, billowing cloud of acrid black smoke rising over the trees in the distance. Miroku hollered at Kirara, and in the blink of an eye, the fire-cat-youkai transformed. He hopped onto her back as Sango broke into a sprint to catch up with the monk, vaulting onto Kirara just before the cat leapt into the sky.

"What do you think is going on?" Sango murmured quietly.

Bunza climbed onto Kirara's head as Miroku shot her a worried glance. "I don't know," he replied, his tone carefully calm despite the feeling of foreboding that was so palpable that she could almost touch it.

"My papa's all right, isn't he?" Bunza asked, his eyes lit with concern and a choking sense of fear.

"I hope so," Miroku said, unable to summon more reassurance than that.

Sango winced. Something in his voice sounded so final—too final. Without thinking about it, she reached around him, squeezed Miroku's hand. Miroku spared her another glance and tried to smile. "We'll do what we can, right, Sango?"

Sango nodded and glanced over her shoulder to see Shippou's inflated form trailing behind them. So far away that Kagome appeared no more than a misshapen blob on the bright pink Shippou-balloon, Sango tried not to think about how wrong it seemed to her. Too used to seeing Kagome huddled against InuYasha's shoulder as the hanyou sprinted wherever they were heading, the sight of the miko with the child-youkai . . . Somehow it made Sango want to cry . . .

* * *

:**_O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O_**:

* * *

InuYasha glared from his half-brother to the strange hanyou and back again. Defenses high as he cracked his knuckles and reached for Tetsusaiga, his glare narrowed when Sesshoumaru uttered an unnerving sound—one InuYasha had never heard from him before. He chuckled. "Be not a fool, InuYasha. This is neither the time nor place for me to see you dead."

"As if you could kill me!" InuYasha scoffed without taking his hand off Tetsusaiga's hilt. "What the fuck are you doing here, bastard?"

Bored gaze flicking over his half-brother in an entirely dismissive sort of way, Sesshoumaru didn't look away. "Where is your miko?"

Grinding his teeth together in an effort to suppress the pang brought on by the blatant reminder, InuYasha snorted. "Keh! None of your business."

"So you've misplaced her?"

"Shut the fuck up!"

Sesshoumaru smiled just a little. "Still as ill-tempered as ever, I see."

InuYasha's gaze shifted from his irritating sibling to the strange hanyou beside him before flicking back to Sesshoumaru's face once more. "Who the hell is that?" he demanded, jerking his head to indicate the intruder without actually acknowledging him.

"Who, indeed?" Sesshoumaru replied, his expression shifting into a narrow-eyed scowl.

"I'm not in the mood for your games, bastard," InuYasha snarled. "Either tell me what the hell you want, or I'm fucking leaving."

"I see you did not exaggerate about his foul disposition," the strange hanyou commented, his gaze mocking, the half-smile on his face almost insincere.

InuYasha glowered at Sesshoumaru for another minute before shifting his eyes to the side to assess the hanyou. "Who are you?"

The hanyou started to speak. Sesshoumaru's hand shot out to silence him. "Who he is matters not. Your business is with me. This Sesshoumaru simply dispatched Renzomori to lead you here."

"That Sesshoumaru can kiss my ass," InuYasha growled without taking his eyes off the hanyou.

Sesshoumaru snapped his fingers and held his hand out. Renzomori bowed slightly before shrugging off the beat-up, dirty brown backpack off his shoulder. Scowling as he dug a black folder out of the bag, he handed it over before refastening the buckles and slinging it back over his shoulder again.

Sesshoumaru looked over the contents of the folder, an altogether nasty smile surfacing on his features before he tossed it onto the ground at InuYasha's feet.

"What the fuck is that?" InuYasha demanded without sparing the folder even a moment's glance.

Sesshoumaru's smile dissipated. "It's your future, baka."

"I don't want a thing from you," InuYasha assured him.

Sesshoumaru stepped forward slowly, deliberately. The strange clothing he wore—Kagome had called it a suit—seemed to add even more coldness to his already frigid façade. Something else struck him as strange, but he didn't bother to try to figure out why. "I don't care if you want it or not. Times are different, half-breed, and you will not embarrass me."

"All the more reason for you to shove that folder straight up your ass. As if I give a shit if I embarrass you or not."

"It matters not to me, InuYasha. Renzomori, call him."

The hanyou dug a little black device out of his pocket and flipped it open. The soft beeps that sounded as he pushed the buttons made InuYasha's hackles rise, and he couldn't quite stop the low growl as he jammed his hands up his sleeves to keep from using Tetsusaiga to silence it.

"Good day, Houjou . . . yes, this is Renzomori . . ."

InuYasha growled at the mention of that particular name, balling his hands into fists as he clenched his jaw and glared at his deranged half-sibling. Sesshoumaru didn't even blink.

"What the hell is that all about?" InuYasha demanded.

Sesshoumaru shrugged. "I should have known that you would be too afraid to try."

"Afraid? To try what?"

Sesshoumaru nodded at the folder on the ground. "Being a half-breed doesn't make you worthless, InuYasha. Being a coward does."

InuYasha started to reach for Tetsusaiga. Stifling a low growl, he stooped instead and retrieved the file. Scowling at the strange papers, he could only make sense out of one of them. '_Itashio InuYasha_,' it said. "What the hell is all of this?"

"I arranged for a tutor for you, baka. Houjou was to instruct you."

"Houjou?" he snarled, crumpling the folder in his irritation.

"Yes, Houjou . . . unless you think that he is too smart for you . . ."

InuYasha erupted in a low growl again. This time, Sesshoumaru chuckled. "He ain't fucking smarter than me. Go to hell, bastard! I don't need your help."

"As I've stated, InuYasha: either you do what needs to be done so that you don't dishonor me or your father, or you come to my house, and I'll see you dead."

"Why don't you shove your threats up your ass?"

Sesshoumaru stared at him for another long moment. "Come," he said, reaching over to snap the cell phone in Renzomori's hand closed. "We are finished here."

Renzomori spared a moment to bow before following Sesshoumaru without a word.

InuYasha didn't look away until the two had disappeared into the trees. Gaze falling back on the folder in his hand, he snorted. '_Keh! That bastard . . . always dishing out stupidity . . . I don't need his fucking help! I don't need_—'

The sudden flash of brown eyes and black hair . . . the gentlest smile and softest laughter carried on the breeze. InuYasha gritted his teeth again, closing his eyes as he grimaced at the sharp pain that stabbed at his chest.

'_Kagome_ . . .'

He opened his eyes, told himself not to bother looking around. She wouldn't be there, as much as he wished otherwise. He couldn't stand the disappointment, and yet . . .

And yet his gaze still traversed the forest. His chest still constricted painfully when he saw the trees, the leaves, the rich, brown earth, and no Kagome.

Dropping the folder on the ground, InuYasha jerked Tetsusaiga from the magnolia wood scabbard. Unleashing an infuriated howl as the blade transformed into the beloved sword of the fang, he heaved it over his head, holding the hilt in both hands before bringing it down onto the earth with a ferocity that shook the ground. Yellow-white streaks of flame shot out of the blade, ripping deep gashes in the dirt until the flames converged, exploding against a gnarled old tree. The explosion of wood splinters and dust clouded the air but did nothing to assuage the anger that still ravaged InuYasha's emotions.

Letting go of the sword, InuYasha fell to his hands and knees. Claws scraping the rich, damp earth only to leave empty indentations in the ground, he leaned over, rested his forehead against the earth. How could such an innocent wish be twisted into something so ugly, so tainted?

'_I just wanted to stay with her_,' he told himself, chanting it over and over in his head like a mantra. '_I just wanted to _belong_ with Kagome_ . . .'

He hadn't felt quite so lost; quite so alone in such a long time. He hadn't felt that way since . . .

'_Since Kagome woke me up . . . since Kagome saved me_ . . .'

Eyes stinging, nose tingling, he felt the tears rising. Squeezing his eyes closed, he shook his head, groaned softly as his chest constricted, another painful wave of desolation ripping through him with the force of a gale wind. The tears would not come. Maybe it wouldn't have been so painful if he had at least been left with some sort of hope. What hope could there be for a damned soul? What sort of answers could he find in something that held no logic, no reason? Kagome had given him a reason to fight. Kagome, Sango, Shippou, and Miroku . . . The friends he had told himself that he didn't need; the family he used to think he didn't want. They were all gone, weren't they? Five hundred years . . . they couldn't have survived five hundred years.

'_Shippou!_' InuYasha thought suddenly, head snapping up as he sat back on his heels. Sesshoumaru had lived through those years, hadn't he? If he had, then maybe Shippou . . .

If he could find him, maybe the kitsune could answer some of the questions that plagued him.

'_Then again_,' he amended with a grimace. The questions about Kagome . . . Had she been happy? Had she found a life for herself that hadn't included him? InuYasha swallowed hard.

Maybe some questions were best left unanswered . . .

* * *

:**_O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O_**:

* * *

Kagome stared around at the smoldering ember and dying flames of the once proud lynx-youkai village. Smoke stung her eyes, burned her nose, and as she picked her way through the packed earth path, she slowly shook her head.

They were too late.

In the distance, she could hear Bunza's frantic cries as he called out time and again for his father, for anyone he knew. There were no answers; just the crackle of burning wood supports and fields . . .

'_If InuYasha had been here_ . . .'

She shook her head quickly. Thinking about him wouldn't really help at all. No matter how many times she wished that he were still here, it didn't change a thing. Even if he had been there, that wouldn't have guaranteed that he would have been able to stop the ogre that had laid waste to the village.

It looked as though the lynx-youkai had fought bravely. The signs of struggle were conspicuous even in the rubble left behind. Shippou hopped onto Kagome's shoulder, covering his nose with his tiny paw-like hands. "Kagome? They're all gone, aren't they? All of them . . ."

Kagome swallowed hard and nodded. "Yes, Shippou. I think they are."

"And Bunza's father? He's gone, too?"

Kagome didn't answer right away. Lifting her chin and squinting as she tried to see through the billowing smoke, she spotted Miroku ducking into the huts, looking for any survivors while Sango did the same on the other side of the path. Bunza's voice was fading in the distance.

"I think . . . I think he's gone, as well."

"So he's an orphan, like me," Shippou mused sadly. "Will he stay with us, Kagome?"

"I . . . I don't know."

Shippou hopped down and shifted his gaze around the ruins. "Even if we had gotten here in time," he mumbled, dashing the back of his hand over his eyes, "without InuYasha . . ."

Kagome gritted her teeth and knelt beside the kitsune. "You listen to me, Shippou," she said, determination lending her voice a strength that she didn't really feel deep down. "Even if he had been here, that doesn't mean we'd have gotten here on time. Besides that, we're strong, too. Miroku and Sango . . . and I can be strong . . . InuYasha wouldn't want us to give up. Don't you know that?"

Shippou bit back his tears and slowly turned to face Kagome. "You're right," he agreed. "I can be strong, too!"

"Of course you can," she assured him. "We all can, can't we?"

"Kagome?"

"Hmm?"

Shippou shuffled his feet in the dirt and scrunched up his shoulders, chin dropping as though he were afraid to look her in the eye. "Is he ever coming back?"

"I don't know," she said. "I just don't know."

Shippou whipped around suddenly, scanning the area behind them.

"Shippou?"

The kitsune darted off, scampering through the debris and completely ignoring Kagome. She got to her feet as he disappeared into the fog of smoke. "Shippou!"

"Kagome? What's wrong?"

Kagome glanced at Sango as the youkai exterminator skidded to a stop beside her. "Shippou just ran off," she explained. "He acted like he heard something . . . or sensed something."

Sango didn't wait to hear more, and Kagome hurried along behind. The jingling of Miroku's Shakuju rang out as he joined the women. "Shippou!" Sango called, glancing back and forth as her high ponytail swung around her shoulders. "Shippou, answer me!"

The kitsune stepped out onto the path in front of them, a perplexed sort of expression creasing his brow as he scratched his head thoughtfully.

"Shippou!" Kagome exclaimed as she ran to the child and snatched him up. "Why did you run off like that?"

"I sensed . . . something," he told her.

"The ogre?" she pressed. "But—"

"Not the ogre," he insisted. "It felt like . . . like we were being watched."

Miroku scowled at the surrounding trees. "He's right," he agreed at length. "I can feel it, too." Raising his voice, he jammed the tip of his staff into the ground. "Whoever is there, come out and show yourself."

The forest remained still, silent—too silent. As though not even the trees dared to stir, the effect was eerie, and Kagome couldn't help but tighten her hold on Shippou's small frame.

"They're gone . . . all gone," Bunza said sadly, shuffling down the path from the village. His eyes were dull, vacant, too shocked to feel much of anything, Kagome supposed. As much as she hated to see the youth in such a state, maybe it was better that way. Time enough to mourn his loss later, when he wasn't standing in the midst of the place that he used to call 'home'.

"Bunza . . ." Sango began, taking a few halting steps toward the lynx-youkai.

Bunza drew himself up proudly, face screwing up in a determined scowl. "Thank you for your help," he told them. "I guess I don't need you anymore."

"Come with us," Kagome said, letting Shippou hop onto Miroku's shoulder so that she could step up beside Sango and kneel before the child. "You can't stay here alone . . . you can come with us, if you'd like."

Bunza's cheeks reddened as he shook his head. "I must rebuild my village," he decided. "That's what my father would have wanted."

"Your father would have wanted you to be safe, Bunza," Sango said softly. "My family—my village . . . they were all destroyed by Naraku. Come with us now, and someday you can come back here and rebuild your village, but in order to do that, you have to live, right?"

Bunza stared at Sango for a moment but finally nodded. "Humans are weak," he decided. "I can protect you."

Kagome watched as Sango picked up the youth and hugged him close. The look on the slayer's face tore at Kagome's heart, and she choked back a wash of tears. Did it matter how many years it had been since Sango had first lost her village? No, Kagome supposed it didn't. In the end, the pain would always be there, just below the surface, and maybe the only thing that made it bearable was the support of those that she called her friends.

'_InuYasha_ . . . _I miss you_ . . .'

"Let's go," Miroku interrupted. "There's nothing more we can do here."

They trudged along the path in silence, oblivious to the pale violet eyes that peered out at them from the darkest shadows of the trees.

* * *

**_A/N_**:

_**Renzomori**: third link (of the) forest_.

_**Shakuju**: Miroku's staff_.

* * *

**_Final Thought from Shippou_**:

_I know I sensed something there_ …

* * *

_Blanket disclaimer for this fanfic (will apply to this and all other chapters in **Desideratum**): I do not claim any rights to InuYasha or the characters associated with the anime/manga. Those rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi, et al. I do offer my thanks to her for creating such vivid characters for me to terrorize._

_Sue_


	6. Ch 5: Secrets of the Well

**_Chapter 5_**

**_Secrets of the Well

* * *

_**

InuYasha narrowed his gaze as he peered up through the branches of Goshinboku.

"What are you doing, InuYasha?"

He grunted in response but didn't turn to face Souta as he continued his perusal.

"He looks like he's trying to find something," Hitomi ventured.

"I can see that," Souta grumbled. "What are you looking for? Maybe we can help you find . . . whatever it is."

"Are you sure he can hear you?" Hitomi asked dubiously.

"Yeah, I can _hear_ you," InuYasha growled, crouching down before leaping into the branches of the beloved tree. "I was trying to _ignore_ you."

Hitomi lifted her hand to her forehead and stared up through the branches. "Not very friendly, is he?"

"Sure, he's friendly," Souta shot back. "Maybe he just doesn't like _you_."

InuYasha settled back against the tree trunk and closed his eyes, set to ignore both Souta as well as his little friend as he crossed his arms under the generous folds of his haori sleeves. In the length of time he'd been forced to say at the shrine, it never ceased to annoy him whenever those two ended up arguing—which was all the time. If it wasn't one thing, it was another, and that was enough to set InuYasha's nerves on edge. They'd ended up arguing over the shade of green on a flyer that had been left on the front door earlier. It was stupid. It was senseless.

It made him miss Kagome just a little more, too.

'_That ain't true_,' he insisted. '_We didn't fight about stupid shit _. . .'

Flinching inwardly when the memories of the number of times they'd done exactly that assailed him, InuYasha couldn't help the slight flattening of his ears. '_All right; so we _did_ fight over some hella stupid shit_ . . .'

He sighed. He'd been doing that a lot of late. He missed Kagome so much that he hurt. Unable to eat, unable to sleep, he couldn't even stand the sight of the ramen he used to love. Mrs. Higurashi offered it to him, but when he'd looked up to take the food, he could only see Kagome's face smiling at him. How many times had she brought him ramen—even times when she professed to be upset with him . . .?

Cracking one eye open, InuYasha shifted slightly, gazing down through the mesh of branches. To his relief, he noticed that Souta and Hitomi were shuffling toward the door. Still arguing, they were, but at last InuYasha was left in blissful quiet. Turning his attention upward, he slowly got to his feet once more. About ten feet over his head, he spotted it: the branch. Five hundred years ago, it was the one that he used to sit on with Kagome all the time. It was the branch he wanted.

Leaping up to land on another branch just below the one he'd chosen, InuYasha cracked his knuckles and drew his hand back. The thick branch gave easily, and he watched with a self-satisfied grin as it crashed down to the ground. The network of branches below slowed the decent, but the tremendous sound of the branch hitting the pavement below the tree echoed through the air. He dropped out of the tree, landing neatly beside the fallen limb. Drawing Tetsusaiga with a flash of yellow light, he grasped the hilt in both hands and raised the sword over his head as the clatter of footsteps sounded behind him.

"What on earth . . .?" Mrs. Higurashi exclaimed as she hurried over to InuYasha's side. "The branch broke?"

"With a little help," InuYasha mumbled as he shot her a dark look. "Stand back."

"He broke it on purpose!" Grandpa hollered as he pushed the door to one of the smaller storage rooms open and poked a spindly old finger in InuYasha's direction. "He's gone mad, I tell you! _Mad!_"

InuYasha snorted and rolled his eyes. "Ain't nothin' 'mad' about me, you old codger," he growled.

"Well," Mrs. Higurashi said quickly, glancing from InuYasha to Grandpa and back again. "The tree is still healthy enough . . . but InuYasha, you really can't go around chopping off branches."

"He's trying to desecrate Goshinboku!" Grandpa yelled, stomping toward them.

"I'll desecrate you next," InuYasha snarled.

"Now, now . . . Come on, Grandpa," Mrs. Higurashi cut in as she hurried over to intercept the old man in an effort to stave off the coming altercation. "I just made some tea . . ."

Grandpa followed Mrs. Higurashi back into the shrine, muttering under his breath about irrational hanyous, foul-mouthed hooligans, and general desecration. InuYasha watched them until the door closed before he was satisfied that he was finally—mercifully—going to be left alone before turning back to the felled branch and wrinkling his nose.

The branch was heavy, sturdy—more than adequate for what he had in mind. '_It's all that damned Souta's fault_,' he mused as he grasped the branch under one arm and dragged it toward the well-house. He'd mentioned that modern girls liked silly things like weird trinkets that were entirely useless and just sat around on decorative shelves made expressly for displaying those ridiculous things, and InuYasha wasn't entirely certain why, but he'd been obsessed with that idea ever since he'd heard it.

The inside of the building smelled stale and dusty. Ignoring the offensive stink, he pushed the branch down the steps with his foot, flattening his ears momentarily as the wood crashed against the side of the old well. It shuddered and shook but didn't break. He didn't expect it would. That thing had been standing for over five hundred years. He had serious doubts that anything could actually bring the sides down, especially not a paltry bit of timber.

Stomping down the steps after the fallen branch, InuYasha crouched down and scowled at the wood. It was simple enough to strip off the bark. It fell on the earthen floor under his deft fingers. Using his claws to carve deep into the branch, he carefully started to chip away hunks of wood, gaze glowing in the dim half-light as he settled down to work . . .

* * *

:**_O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O_**:

* * *

"She's doing better, don't you think?"

Sango glanced up from polishing Hiraikotsu to watch Kagome. The miko was kneeling on the ground near the fire, carefully scraping a couple fish that Shippou and Bunza had caught for dinner. The two children were far from getting along. Since hearing the story of InuYasha's disappearance, Bunza had seemed almost hostile toward Kagome. Maybe he blamed her for the fact that InuYasha wasn't there to help him save his tribe. Still Sango knew that Kagome blamed herself for his disappearance, too, and hearing the same thing from the youngster just wasn't something that was going to help anyone in the end. Miroku had taken to dragging Bunza everywhere he went, mostly to keep Bunza from saying things to Kagome that would only serve to deepen her depression. It helped, but Sango had to wonder just how long they could keep the child away from Kagome before he said something bad.

"Better? Maybe . . . she still misses him."

"I'm certain she does," Miroku agreed, thrusting the end of his shakuju into the soft earth beside the fallen log Sango was using as a bench. "She cared about him more than she wanted to admit."

"Sometimes it's difficult to admit your feelings to someone when they seem a little distant," Sango remarked, carefully keeping her eyes on Hiraikotsu and stubbornly refusing to inflict any emotion at all into her words that might give her away. He'd been distant, himself, of late. At first, she'd thought it had something to do with InuYasha's sudden disappearance. She had to wonder, though, if that really could be the case. Something about his behavior . . . She sighed. '_Maybe_,' she told herself as she rubbed to remove a blemish from the weapon's smooth surface, '_I'm just reading too much into things_ . . .'

If Miroku sensed Sango's underlying meaning, he didn't remark on it. Hunkering down beside the log, he turned his head, staring off into the distance. "I suppose some things just aren't meant to be," he finally said, his voice quiet, tinged with a sort of bitterness that Sango felt deep inside.

"Houshi-sama . . ."

He turned his head slightly, gazing at her out of the corner of his violet eyes. "Don't worry, Sango. Everything will be as it should be. Fate is unavoidable."

Frowning at the sadness in his eyes, she watched as he stood up and headed off to gather more firewood. She had the feeling that he wasn't simply talking about InuYasha and Kagome, but was talking about them, instead.

"_After we defeat Naraku . . . will you live with me? Bear my children . . .?_"

Wincing at the memory of those words—words that had thrilled her even as they had frightened her, too—Sango bit her lip and stifled a sigh, unable to shake the notion that he was trying to push her away.

'_But he promised_ . . .' she told herself with far more bravado than she was actually feeling. '_He said that was what he wanted . . . Houshi-sama never would have said it if he didn't mean it . . . He promised_ . . .'

* * *

:**_O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O_**:

* * *

The forest was darkened with the shadows of descending night as Chiyo moved through the trees. The gurgle of water somewhere to the distant east drew her toward the place where she said she would meet Tadao, but she didn't quicken her pace.

She was late, and he would be irritated, but that was of no real consequence. She'd heard all of his complaints before. He never had been able to grasp the concept of being patient. It was one of his flaws.

Stepping out of the trees near the small clearing near the stream, she wasn't surprised to see Tadao pacing to and fro near the water's edge. Indulging in a moment of watching him, she almost smiled to herself before ambling over to announce her presence. "Come now, Tadao. I'm not that late."

The dragon-youkai whirled around to face her, narrowing his ruby gaze as the tip of his forked tongue flicked out of his mouth for a split second. "You try my patience, Chiyo. What did you learn?"

"He is gone," she said simply.

A cold smile surfaced on his face; a hardened glimmer of satisfaction brightening his blood-red gaze. "So the prophecy cannot come to pass," he mused, more to himself than to her. "Excellent . . ."

She didn't confirm or deny his assertions. In truth, she was rather perplexed by it, too, and while she had yet to have another vision, the fact that InuYasha didn't seem to be anywhere didn't offer her the same level of reassurance. It was too . . . easy, she supposed, too neat and tidy, and if she had learned nothing else during her lifetime, she'd learned never to trust anything that appeared to be that simple.

"This calls for a celebration," he decided, casting her a calculated grin.

Chiyo shrugged and turned away. "Celebrate if that's your wish," she tossed over her shoulder. "Just remember that altering the future isn't as simple as you believe. If I were you, I'd make certain that what I have foreseen does not come to pass. There are more effective ways of ensuring that than simply relying on happenstance."

She left him standing there beside the water's edge as she disappeared back into the forest once more. He'd be angry, of course. He despised it when she left before he granted her leave. She'd learned long ago that he needed her. He relied on her abilities far too much to lose his temper with her, after all. '_Let him sit and stew over things for awhile . . . I am not as foolish as he. There is still a very real threat, whether he wants to believe it or not . . . those same dreams that foretold of his failure_ . . .'

Her pale violet eyes narrowed as she moved through the trees.

She could still feel the truth in those dreams, couldn't she?

* * *

:**_O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O_**:

* * *

Kagome sat on the edge of the Bone Eater's Well, clutching the slip of paper that fluttered in the breeze. She wasn't certain when the idea had occurred to her. It had started more as a passing whim than a concrete thought. She'd been looking through her backpack at a notebook that she'd used to work math problems, and she'd just started writing a letter to InuYasha.

She wasn't sure she actually expected him to get the letter. She just felt closer to him when she was here, at the well. Unfolding the letter, she heaved a sigh, her eyes hot, dry, burning.

'_Dear InuYasha_,

'_I don't know why I'm bothering with this letter. I don't really think you'll get it or anything. I suppose I just wanted to find a way to tell you that I miss you. I think about you every day in a part of me that hurts when I remember even the good times we shared. I feel as though I've broken the promise I made to you; the one I made when I said I'd never leave you_.

'_Bunza is with us now. He came here looking for you. He needed your help in saving his tribe. We went with him, and we tried to help, but we got there too late, and, well . . . We brought him back with us_.

'_All I wanted was to stay with you. That was the wish I'd made. I ask myself every day what went so wrong, and yet I know that your wish . . . you wanted to stay with me, didn't you? You gave up everything you knew? You did all of that just to stay with me . . . and that means more to me than you'll ever know. I only wish there were some way I could tell you all of this. A piece of paper can't last five hundred years, can it? Manmade things aren't meant to last, are they_?

'_I see you every time I turn around: in the whisper of the wind in the trees, in the constantly flowing waters of the streams we've crossed . . . I see you in the stars—I only saw the stars with you, did you know? Tokyo, even at night, even at the shrine . . . You can't really see the stars so well there. I guess you know that by now, don't you_?

'_I miss everyone—Mama and Grandpa, Souta and Buyou . . . but I miss you most of all, and I think about the silly arguments we've had, and I'm ashamed. I let my temper get the better of me, always taking for granted that you'd always be there. I catch myself thinking a thousand times a day_, 'Oh, wait! I want to tell InuYasha about this . . .'

'_And then I remember, and remembering hurts_.

'_I doubt you'll get this letter. I just wanted to write all of this down. I miss you more than you'll ever know, but I hope that you'll find a way to be happy in my time. If by some miracle you do get this, though, know that you're always in my mind and heart. Be well, InuYasha_.

'_Kagome_.'

Wiping away a tear that streaked down her face, Kagome refolded the letter and pressed it against her heart. Every day she woke up and tried to smile until she remembered that InuYasha really was gone. Every day she told herself that it was okay; that whatever was meant to be, would be. Every day she forced herself to go through the motions of living so that she wouldn't worry her friends, and every day, she felt as though a part of her was dying . . .

She loved him, didn't she? She'd loved him for a long time. Grouchy, curt, arrogant, and oftentimes impossible, she couldn't remember a time when he wasn't there, and no matter what happened back then or even now, nothing could change her feelings, could they? Nothing could erase the sense of complete and utter loss; of desperation and despair that twisted her stomach until she felt as though she was going insane.

'_Mama will help him, and Souta will, too_,' she told herself as a wan smile surfaced on her face. Trembling and unsure, it flitted over her lips like a feather on the wind, and she sighed as her tears prickled her nostrils. A sudden, savage pang ripped through her, and she gasped, doubling over, nearly toppling headlong into the well. She didn't care. For the briefest of moments, she'd felt him, hadn't she? As close as he would have been if he were standing directly beside her, his youki had seemed so real, so encompassing . . . so comforting . . .

"Kagome!"

Turning at the sound of her name, she hurriedly dashed the back of her hand over her cheeks and swung her legs out of the well, waiting for Sango to catch up. "Yes?"

Sango hurried over and sank down beside Kagome, clutching the wooden lip of the well as she shot her a timid smile. "Kaede is looking for you. She wants to know if you're interested in starting your training."

Kagome nodded, digesting Sango's words. "I should, shouldn't I?" she said slowly, biting her lip as she pondered the options.

"That's up to you. If you don't want to, then don't. Just because you've got spiritual powers doesn't mean you have to be a miko."

Kagome sighed. "It's not that. I should learn how to use my powers. It's just . . ."

"You're tired of the comparisons to Kikyou?" Sango asked when Kagome trailed off.

"No . . . sort of . . . not really . . ." She sighed and shrugged, unsure how to explain her feelings to Sango when she wasn't at all positive that she understood them, herself. "It's just . . . a miko should be at peace; tranquil . . . and I'm not. I can't help but question and wonder and . . . and be a little angry. I mean, look at Midoriko. She was a miko, and I know she didn't have regrets, but she gave her life to fight youkai, and because of her . . . and Kikyou . . . Didn't she pay the ultimate price just because she fell in love with InuYasha?"

"But, Kagome, the Shikon no Tama is gone now. It can't hurt you anymore."

"Don't you see? It already has, and I . . . I don't know if I can find the peace inside me to . . . It seemed so easy before. I thought . . . I thought I'd be sent back to my side of the well, or I thought that maybe I'd be allowed to stay here with InuYasha, but I never . . . I never thought that I'd be here without him."

"Anger is difficult to deal with," Sango agreed. "But I'm sure InuYasha wouldn't want you to be angry or to be sad . . ."

Standing abruptly, Kagome couldn't help the surge of rage that shot through her. "I can't help it!" she exclaimed. "I just can't!"

Stomping away, she broke into a sprint, unconsciously heading for the sanctuary of Goshinboku. Sango watched her go and sighed, heading back toward the path that led to the village.

Neither girl had noticed the folded paper sitting on the lip of the well after Kagome made her hasty retreat. The breeze caught the folded edges, pushing it closer to the edge of the wall. A light gust blew across the meadow, and with a whisper of movement, the paper teetered on the lip before careening down into the blackened depths of the well.

* * *

:**_O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O:O_**:

* * *

Perched on the edge of the well, InuYasha stared down into the murky depths with a melancholy sigh. He spent a lot of time here, and maybe he really thought that if he stared at it long enough, it would somehow open, and Kagome would appear. It was wishful thinking, surely, but he couldn't quite help himself, either.

He jumped into the well daily, all in the desperate hope that it would open up beneath him, and while he knew that it just wasn't going to happen, he couldn't help himself, either. The one day he didn't try it was bound to be the one time it would work . . . Then he'd spend an hour or two fighting off the hopelessness inspired by the desolation of being alone.

He hated the stagnant smell of Tokyo; despised the noise and the constant motion. The only place he had to escape all of it was here, the well. Even the forest that stretched out behind the shrine wasn't immune to the 'modern conveniences'. The sound of the trees couldn't drown out the hundreds of thousands of noises that made up the world he was stuck in.

Scratching his chest—he despised the strange feel of the cloth of what Mrs. Higurashi had told him was a 'tee-shirt'. It wasn't rough, no, but the feel of it just felt disturbing. She'd dealt him dirty, waiting until he was in the bathtub—also her idea—barging right into the bathroom and snatching up his clothes with the promise of washing them for him and leaving behind the irritating and strange things she called 'jeans' along with the stupid tee-shirt. It had taken him nearly twenty minutes before he'd figured out that he was supposed to wear the thin cotton short pants—she called those 'boxers'—as underwear, and the jeans? He grimaced. How the hell he was supposed to fight in these things was completely beyond him . . . Then to add insult to injury, he'd located his clothes lying neatly on Kagome's bed.

His ears flattened as he grimaced. He still couldn't bring himself to go into that room. Her scent was still too strong in there, too overwhelming, and too comforting. The problem was that the comfort he garnered from it hurt him, too. He couldn't help but feel completely overwrought with guilt if he allowed himself to take comfort in anything that should remind him that she was stuck in the past because of him . . .

The kicker, though, had been her nonchalant announcement that Houjou would be arriving within the hour for his daily tutoring session. InuYasha had stomped out the back door with Tetsusaiga in hand, and now his beloved sword was doing the greatest task of all: it was lodged through the door handles, barring entrance against anyone who thought to interrupt his solitude.

With a sigh, he pushed himself off the edge of the well, dropping into the darkness and grimacing when he lit on the hardened earth beneath his feet. The familiar surge of sadness swept through him, and he couldn't suppress the half-moan that spilled over. "Kagome . . ." he whispered, closing his eyes against the darkness. Leaning forward, fists resting on the compacted dirt, he drew his arm back only to slam his fist into the ground. The earth shook, dislodging dirt that fell around him like rain. Pulling his other hand back, he punched the ground once more but blinked suddenly. His fist had smashed against something almost smooth. Scowling in the darkness, he saw the faint outline, and he picked up the item in question, staring at it with an expression akin to grudging curiosity writ in his gaze.

Leaping out of the well, he strode up the stairs and jerked his sword out of the door handles. Sunlight flooded the well house when he opened the doors, and he blinked for a moment as his eyes adjusted to the bright light of day. Turning the slip of folded paper over in his hand, he frowned. '_InuYasha'_ was written on one side of it, and he recognized the handwriting as his heart skipped a beat.

Vaulting over to the base of Goshinboku, he leapt into the branches, thankful for the cover provided by the leaves. Examining the paper, he scowled. It looked like it was crumbling before his very eyes. Wincing as he carefully tried to use his claw to separate the weathered paper, he carefully managed to pry the first fold open before it broke in half. He could piece it back together, couldn't he? If he could get the pieces apart, he could piece it together so he could read it . . .

The next fold wasn't nearly as easy to maneuver. The paper was just too old. Having spent five hundred years sitting in the bottom of the well—he could only figure that being in the enclosed well was the reason that it hadn't disintegrated long ago—but he desperately needed to read whatever Kagome had written . . .

A sound akin to a whine escaped him as another bit of the paper crumpled to dust in his hands. All he had left was half of the folded letter—the half with his name written on it. Swallowing the bitter wash of disappointment that assailed him, he tried to take comfort in the idea that she'd written him the letter, even if he couldn't read it.

'_Kagome_ . . .'

Ears flattening as the sound of her laughter echoed through his head, he wrapped his arms around Tetsusaiga and tried not to think about how often he's sat in trees—this tree, in particular—with Kagome. Carefully holding the remnant of paper, he sighed again and let his head fall back against the tree trunk.

'_Some way, somehow I'll find a way, Kagome_,' he vowed. '_I'll get back to you . . . just . . . wait for me_ . . .'

* * *

**_A/N_**:

_**Shakuju**: Miroku's ringed staff_.

_**Hiraikotsu**: Sango's weapon_.

_**Houshi-sama**: Sango's 'pet name' for Miroku … a very archaic way of formally addressing a monk_.

_**Miko**: Shinto Priestess_.

_**Chiyo**: Thousand years; eternal_.

_**Tadao**: Complacent; satisfied_.

* * *

**_Final Thought from InuYasha_**:

_Damn it … what did it say_ …?

* * *

_Blanket disclaimer for this fanfic (will apply to this and all other chapters in **Desideratum**): I do not claim any rights to InuYasha or the characters associated with the anime/manga. Those rights belong to Rumiko Takahashi, et al. I do offer my thanks to her for creating such vivid characters for me to terrorize._

_Sue_


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